atlanta.

i was just reading the online version of creative loafing of Atlanta and i was reminded of all the fun, adventure and heartbreak that i endured while living there. perhaps i can regail my audience with my tales.

i moved there in 1985 or so (but i was born there in 1979) and in my high school years (1993-1997) i would drive to Little 5 or Virginia Highlands (when it was cool) and hang out. i had my outside of school friends who all ended up being punk musicians of some sort. many of my boyfriends were in a band of some sort. i should have tried out but i was way more shy then than i am now. the only one who wanted to try out was Keefe. anyhow, i grew up mostly in Duluth which was about 20-30min north of the city. i had my spots along Peachtree Blvd that i used to go to. Waffle House, a lot of antique stores, HMV music at Lennox Sq., sometimes to UGA in Athens, always Best Buy, Borders (which no longer exists), Gwinnett Place Mall especially the Sanrio store. those were days. i was solitary a lot of the time.

when i graduated i went to Brenau University in Gainesville (an all women's college, which sounded convincing when my college counselour told my parents) and roommed with a weird British gal, Sam which ended in disaster. then i made friends with a girl name Katie (the first gal i slept with) and then she dropped out. the adjoining room that shared the bathroom was Sara, who at the time was timid and a bit square. but she was cool and we hung out all the time. then i fell in love with her. we went everywhere together. so the heartbreak is that. after she returned from NYC she dumped me.

i could say that my life in ATL is bittersweet. i wish i had known myself better when i was in high school. perhaps i would've been happier. mostly what i picture about Atlanta was driving the highways at night. either coming from work in Brookhaven or driving to Gainesville. or just driving around at night to think. i picture the long stretch of road, the lights of other cars, bulidings, highway lights (especially in Peachtree Corners). yeah its bittersweet. but i learned and experienced life that is sometimes good and bad but one does learn.

a bientot!

boredom.

TEN FAVORITES
1. televison show: Law and Order, Queer Eye, Trauma Life in the ER, What Not to Wear, Real Time
2. flower: plumeria, roses
3. color: black, blue, red, purple
4. sport: soccer
5. mall: Ala Moana, Queen Kaahumanu
6. music: anything except for country/religious/or bitch rap/hip-hop
7. food: anything asian
8. season: autumn
9. animal: penguins, cats
10. country: the US or France

TEN FACTS
1. hometown: Duluth, GA
2. hair color: natural brown
3. hair length: halfway down mmy back
4. hair style: straight
5. eye color: light blue
6. shoe size: 9 or 10 depending on the shoe
7. mood: contente
8. orientation: lesbian
9. available?: nope, not since 2001
10. lefty/righty: righty, yo

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. have you ever been in love: yes
2. do you believe in love: yes, i'm a closet romantic
3. why did your last relationship fail: i cheated.
4. have you ever been heartbroken: yes
5. have you ever broken someone's heart: yes
6. there is no number six
7. have you ever loved someone but never told them: nope
8. are you afraid of commitment: nope
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: yes
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: i think so

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT
1. love or lust: love
2. hard liquor or beer: no alcohol please (unless its for cocktails)
3. night or day: night
4. one night stands or relationships: relationships
5. televison or internet: tv
6. pepsi or coke: pepsi (i'm a caffeine junkie)
7. wild night out or romantic night in: romantic
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: black and white
9. phone or in person: either
10. aim or myspace: AIM

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. have you ever been caught sneaking out: no
2. have you ever skinny dipped: no
3. have you ever done something you regret: yes
4. have you ever bungee jumped: nope
5. have you ever been on a house boat: yes
6. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: yes
7. have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt: yes, haven't we all!?!
8. have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't: yes
9. have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey?: in high school
10. no number 10

TEN EMOTIONS
1. are you missing someone right now: yes, my parents
2. are you happy: nowadays, for the most part
3. are you talking to anyone right now: was to my dad
4. are you bored: yeah
5. are you german: no
6. are you irish: no
7. are you french: 100%
8. are you Italian: no
9. are your parents still married: 30 years and counting.
10. do you like someone right now: i like everyone!

heaven.

[heaven] los lonely boys

this song reminds me of lying somewhere in the sun with a cool breeze brushing your face. too much island life i suppose. there are many who do not have a grassy place to lie down. perhaps on the carpet in one's house with the window open. its so mellow.

i was thinking about doing a summer and winter compilation that i would send out or at least a top whatever music that i dig. if anyone wants a copy then comment me. i'm trying to fill up my time with music stuffs.

as for the personal, i am ding extremely well. i couldn't be happier. though it feels as if i'm living in the oven of hell, its so HOT. i suppose its typical for this time of the year. everything seems to have fallen into place so i'm psyched. in other great news, France qualified for the 2nd round winning 2:0 against Togo. and my vacation is in 2 months!!!!!!! i suppose it is quite unlikely that France may win the Cup but i'm not giving up.

a bientot!

la vie.

j'ai voulez ecrire en francias parce-que je voule le faire. peut-etre pas tout le blog mes je vais essayer. maintenant ma vie vas tres tres bien. je suis heureuse avec elle. la place ou je ne suis pas contente et le travail. je me fait vraiment malheureux. bientot je voudrais changes mon cariere et je voudrais travailler dans un bibliotheque!

sinons, a tout a l'heure!

a bientot!

p.s. i'm in a french speaking mode now. http://dictionary.reference.com/translate/text.html go here for translations! France vs. Switzerland: 0-0

reflections.

i do have to confess that after watching the loving love scene in "Its In the Water" and listening to this song that i've been hung up on my first. i hurt her a lot as i have so many other women that i've loved. i think that i try to sabotage my happiness so that i can pay for the hurt i've caused. i know that things between my first and i will never be again. i had my chance at 19. i know that she doesn't want anything to do with me. all i can romanticize is the brief time we had together when i was the happiest with a woman. we loved each other so greatly and purely. she loved me purely. i miss having someone looking at me the way she did or finding me beautiful and sexy. desireble. i miss that look. i threw it all away. for nothing and immaturity. so i'd like to scream a thousand sorry's to all i've loved: Sara, Andrea and the other.


Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes

Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me

Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me

Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Try in a world that's...
A distorted reality

Happiness you... took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through each tear that I've cried
Reflects the hurt I can't control

'Cause although you're gone
I keep holdin' on
To the happy times
Ooh, when you were mine

As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain


All the love
All the love that I've wasted
All those tears
All the tears that I've tasted
All in vain

Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt,
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn,
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be

In you I put
All my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust

After all the nights
I sat alone on wept
Just a handfull of promises
Are all that's left, of loving you

Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me
In you I put, all my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust

how.

the last few days i've had some things going on in my head. i'm soon to be going through some life changing things so bare with me as i try to figure all of it out. life can be so all-consuming sometimes and it can get pretty crazy.

it seems most of my friends are married and having babies. i am still in the eternal non-baby and non-marriage category, for 6yrs now. thats one of the things that heavily weighs. one day it will change.

as for the fun, fun stuff going on: the 2006 FIFA World Cup Soccer is upon us again. i am going for the French team so we'll see what happens. if they don't do well, i can always watch the 1998 FIFA World Cup when they beat Brazil to win the cup. you know i have the DVD!

and if all else fails...rock it out!

haunted by poe

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come hereI've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Ba da pa pa...

epidemic.

today i watched the movie, "After Stonewall", which documents the happenings and history of the Gay and Lesbian movement from 1970's til now. of course alot of it has to do with the AIDS epidemic and it makes me sad. it makes me think of my uncle who is infected and how he is dealing with it. he's had it since i was in 7th grade, at 13, and now i'm 27. he's still alive and has a family. i just think how scary it must be to live with something that will eventually kill you. i also think about the many unknown people in the world who have dies from it and are infected.

for all of the hetero, gay men and lesbian women: please use protection when having sex. 10 seconds of pleasure isn't worth dying for! and if you are infected, don't be ashamed but instead be vocal!! silence = death

i know i am but a small blog that a handfull of people read, but hopefully the ones that do read this may be more aware!

poem.

Passing by Judith Barrington

Light-fingered wind teases our bare skin
as we stride with an easy rhythm

for two good miles, breasting the hill
in shorts, socks and dusty boots

between salmon-pink ponderosas
crusty bark, etched with black.

At an unexpected bend in the trail
we stop, face to face with strangers-

the woman in front, shielding him
from our bare breasts and clumsiness.

In the blazing sun, the red bandanna
drags over my eyes, the hasty shirt

catches my sunglasses; i blush;
i curse, needing to pass.

The shirtless man mumbles
close to me on the foot-wide trail

and i cover my sweaty breasts-
blushing and cursing and passing.

this song has been in my head and in my heart. thinking about my parents farm in rural WA makes me want to claim the open land and the open sky.

Home on the Range, sung by Tori Amos

(Home, home on the range)
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows lazily down the stream
Where the graceful white swan goes a gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day...

just remember i love you.

i see all around me people with full lives. not necessarily productive but full and busy. i keep waiting to start mine, at 27. i do nothing real with my time. today i made stationary, but thats about it. i move from one little project obsession to another. plus there are my correspondances from varied US locations. but those are fleeting things. i don't have a concrete day to day thing. like my dad said, he would be miserable if he had my life. i am but masking it quite well. i work, come home and watch tv and putter online, eat, watch the Godfather video game being played and then pass out. thats almost daily. yikes!

str8 friends, gay woman.

i have somewhat of a dilemna. all of my friends are str8 and i'm gay. now its not like i don't love, appreciate and like my str8 friends. its just that sometimes its hard for me to wholeheartedly relate to their lives and them to mine. mostly to mine.

now with lesbians things get a bit tricky. i have a small few that live mostly on the mainland (that's the NorthAmerican continent to the rest of you) scattered about. but basically none here in HI. perhaps what i crave the most is just contact and the easiness of talking and relating to a fellow lesbian. where is everyone?? i know that there are some here in Maui. but they are scattered about as well and dramatic. ask about Pride 2004 for details. still it isn't easy when i need occasional reassurance to be proud of who i am.

i am proud in my own gayness. i just wish to not feel so alone nor the only gay woman i know.

my favorite poem.

The Narrows by Jim Carroll

That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.

you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.

I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.

I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.

fire.

tonights sunset was like this. to me it reminds me of volcanic lava spilling into the sky. the colors here are so amazing!

ok so i've just begin to realize after much self-loathing that i am a sad little gal. perfectly goth without the makeup and dark drab. goth is spirit. i need to remedy this situation.

the whole truth.

well the absolute truth is that the rape does still bother me and raises a lot of questions. like am i really gay or am i gay because i am afraid of men. i am but only in the attacking thing. i think i am gay cos i LOVE women but i wish that i had discovered that part of me a long, long time ago. its all a confusing mess. but it does blur my view of sexuality. i see it as forceful and nonfeeling and of dealing with the mechanics of the body. love, sensuality doesn't enter my mind when i picture sex or making love. to me a full loving relationship, in my mind and not in reality, doesn't include sex. i can't put the two in the same picture. sex in a way in brutality.

the absolute truth.

in the last few days i have encountered a lot of news about rape and sexual abuse and shows like Law and Order: SVU (special victims unit) take real stories and fictionalize them. what i'm trying to relay is that this world is becoming quite predatory towards the sexes. mostly women as 80% of people who are victimized.

i am 27 now in 2006. in 1993 when i was 14 i was raped on vacation. now i will keep the sordid details to myself. now some 13 yrs later and quite a few sexual encounters later (that i will also keep to myself) i have come to the realization that i am still realing from my "experience". i'll never quite get over it for it has turned me into the sexually free person that i am. sexually free does not mean i'm a whore. its just that i'm liberated in my thinking. i'm not one to judge about other people's sexual practices. the rape and possible childhood molestation (i have flashbacks but i can't put the whole story together) has shaped the way i look at my own sexuality. i used to have this rape fantasy in my head for when and how i would have sex again. forced. painfull. psychologically i can disconnect myself from the act and the person.

in high school i did fall into the promiscuity pool but a few loving relationships later, i have learned to give of myself through emotion and spiritual depth instead of sexually. i suppose the things we are exposed to in our past never really leaves you. this will forever be my demon. it may possess me or lay dormant, but it will always be there.

i do not ask for sympathy or words of consulation from anyone. this isn't a pity party and i don't need anyone to feel bad for me. this is what happened a very long time ago and it is a part of who i am. it doesn't make it ok. but it is what it is.

thank you for letting me share this.

disturbances.

last night about 12am i heard some shouting in my neighborhood which is usually quiet and peaceful. i walked to the bottom of my driveway and saw 3 people. a man was threatening to kill this other man because he supposely slept with the wife. there was some pushing and then the husband pushed his wife down and i dialed 911. the police patroled the the street and then about 15 minutes later they booked it through my neighborhood with sirens and everything. i hope everything worked out ok.

now my asshole of a landlord is putting in blinds in my apartment and in the meanwhile he is looking through our cabinets and drawers for a knife and then using my windex. when i asked him if the windex was his he stopped and said no and then i told hime how rude it was for him to go through my things. he tried in a lame-ass way to justify it but i squashed it. i think its rude for people to just go through another person's things. am i wrong??

i don't get people who have no manners or common descency.

out there by the blake babies

You drive around aimlessly.
Don’t know what you hope to see.
You know it’s stupid.

I see you when I pass you by.
I’m afraid to meet your eye.
I know it’s stupid.

You have a voice, you have a phone,
But you’re usually alone.
You know it’s stupid.
I have a body and a brain,
But I turn them off again...again.
I know it’s stupid.

There’s nothin’ to do.I
t’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where,
But I know it’s out there.
It must be out there somewhere.
I’m gonna leave this place.
Gonna’ leave this life of waste.
Gonna’ put on a new face.

Where was I before?
I’m not there anymore.
Went away and tried to come back.
Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

There’s nothin’ to do.
It’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where,
But I know it’s out there.
It must be out there somewhere.

There’s nothin’ to do.
It’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where.
There’s nothing out there.
It’s not out there anywhere.
I’m gonna’ leave this town.
Gonna’ leave it like I found it.
Gonna’ turn myself around.

bothered.

i've been feeling a little blue lately. at first i couldn't figure it out mainly cos in my life i have gone through blue periods that i had nothing to be blue about. i don't really now. i have a house, a job, some money, two adorable kitty cats and my parents, friends and someone who loves me and whom i love back. but something is always amiss. maybe its the love that i give and is given to that makes me saddened. this love i think will never go beyond what we have now. i want so much more. i suppose the rainy-ish weather is to blame as well. who knows actually.

online classes start in a week. i'm psyched about it so that it'll keep me busy for a while. i feel so alone sometimes. like i could be sitting next to someone and feel like an island in the middle of the ocean surrounded by nothing but blue. blue ocean, blue sky. inside i feel so alone.

"nobody knows me. god knows they try" 'medicated magdalene' michelle malone

letters.

so here are two things that i have acquired as of recent:

a stationary basket and a fountain pen box. all in the Victorian style.

so here is a dilemna, who is it that i shall write to?? i suddenly realized that i have no real keeper of my thoughts (besides myself). i did but i think that my membership has lapsed and she has a busy life anyhow. but is that a real excuse for not contacting one's friends? perhaps it is maybe that my life is too lax. i have somewhat an incredible amount of time to putter around writing people. but it is a waste of stamps when people don't write back. sorry to gripe. this knowing makes me sad. i am back to me once again.