the whole truth.

well the absolute truth is that the rape does still bother me and raises a lot of questions. like am i really gay or am i gay because i am afraid of men. i am but only in the attacking thing. i think i am gay cos i LOVE women but i wish that i had discovered that part of me a long, long time ago. its all a confusing mess. but it does blur my view of sexuality. i see it as forceful and nonfeeling and of dealing with the mechanics of the body. love, sensuality doesn't enter my mind when i picture sex or making love. to me a full loving relationship, in my mind and not in reality, doesn't include sex. i can't put the two in the same picture. sex in a way in brutality.