satellite.

today on the Travel Channel i saw a tv show about college campuses/ towns and i managed to turn onto the channel where UGA (Athens, GA) was shown as a major college town. i was delighted and had a weird desire to see and try to see my friends Mj and her husband Robert in the footage. but sadly they were not shown. :( what they did show was the beautiful funky downtown area and then onto the music scene, the 40 Watt and then onto the football. i was happy. i was there this past March visiting Mj and Robert in the cold, got sick and was no fun. i apologize to the amentioned people. i will be much more fun next time, sick or well. i promise! what i especially loved was the great friends, reading their cool collection of graphic books, the tea, the muffins, the cool art show we went to one grey day and the botanical garden picnic we did. mj and i, for the last few years, always met up at Espresso Royale Cafe. and it hasn't changed. there are always students reading, writing papers.

i've been going to Athens ever since i was about 13 or 14, visiting as i lived well over an hour away. i was entranced by the funky college atmosphere and loved the cool stores and music stores. i remember when i was 18, i saw a penis tattooed outside a tattoo shop downtown and i was kinda creeped out. thats was the time i wanted to get tattooed for the first time. anyhow, those are my fun Athens memories!!! thanks Mj for being an everlasting great friend and for Robert for being a great new friend and a special yo or aloha to Suzanne and Aiden and the cool new peeps i met on my visit!

mine.

well this is a mini update to those who are concerned about me. i am ok as i have been for what seems like forever. i'm still a little blue but now i am more concerned with stress, fatigue and bad back pains. i feel really old. but i am ok. one day i hope and wish to be happy without a little cloud hanging in the background.

i was there.

[music]: i know what kind of love this is- the nields

so in my mind, the relationship has gone from bad to worse. not that there is a concern to be made about yelling, fighting, hitting, etc. its a serene atmostphere. no loud voices, nothing of that nature. in my mind i am irritated and hurt and my whole self has been neglected. intimacy is but a memory. making love is just a memory. i crave that look in her face which she used to give me. but all the keeps playing in my mind is that long ago conversation we had when i was told that she was not gay. thats the answer to all of these tortured questions and thoughts inside my head. i know she isn't like me. she doesn't crave me as i do her. she doesn't do a lot of things that i do.

don't feel bad for me. don't feel anything at all cos its just me venting and nothing needs to come back to me. i am mostly irritated at myself for not leaving years ago. for not standing up sooner and getting what i wanted. i know the logical thing is to go and move and never look back. i think that this has been something i haven't wanted to face or see. the truth. the truth is that this isn't it.

a bientot!

dreaming.

this is a song that I LOVE.

crush by dave matthews band

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love
Crush me with the things you do
And I do for you anything too, oh
Sitting, smoking, feeling high
And in this moment, ah, it feels so right
Lovely lady, I am at your feet
Oh god i want you so badly
and i wonder this could tomorrow be
so wonderous as you there sleeping
Lets go, drive till, mornin comes
Watch the sunrise, and fill our souls oh
Well drink some, wine till, we get drunk YEAH
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
Won't spill a drop, no, I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on, oh yeah
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or, oh, am I dreaming
(Boyd's Solo)
Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
And it's times like these
When my faith I feel it
I know how I love you
Come on, Come on
Baby
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
My love
By love
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
Baby
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Oh my love
Meaning I'll hold you
But please please just let me always....

heaven, part 2.

[music]: an unusual kiss- melissa etheridge

so i saw the new movie, "A Very Long Engagment" starring a very cute 1920's Audrey Tautou. the movie itself was a good French movie about a woman during WWI that searches for her fiance. though presumed dead, she searches until the end. you shall have to it to know the ending. its agood movie though with a surprising cameo by Jodie Foster speaking French.

life for me now is going along in an ever yet so slow pace. emotionally i bounce back from happiness to complete misery and somewhere inbetween where i want to cry and cry for days. talk about an unbalanced head.

i did originally think that it was alla period thing, you know like being moody and sensitive, but i don't think it is. its hard to understand but its the pressure of life plus my burning out at work and now emotional strife at home. so much at the same time.

but i am still here. no need to worry.

a bientot!

p.s. see the movie, c'est tres formidable!