going back everytime.

(left) African penguins in Oahu!
well after last weeks "talk", all is right with the world again. i'm being lazy on this sunday mid afternoon washing clothes and saving up energy to clean the house. i hate being an adult. other than that i've been working my booty off at work and took a "grace matinee", long morning sleeping. i feel better though i wasted half a day. i was thinking quite recently that i'm of this pessimistic attitude that i have adopted. aren't you??

the beginning of an end.

[mood]: blah
[music]: meet me in the dark- melissa etheridge

last nights "talk" was saddening. things have changed a little, enough for me to be perplexed and upset by. i don't know what i'm doing anymore or if i have enough in me to give and feel. i suppose that you can say that for the past few years i have been meandering between happiness and sadness. a rollercoaster ride of emotion of soaring through the air uphill and then dropping just as quickley to a low. i'm joust completely exhausted.

i don't know how i can explain it in a way to show that this is something different and not a feeling that i've really felt. it sounds as if its something that i've felt or lived with already. in a way yes and in a way no. just remember that i used to be such a kick-ass chick and now i have left her in the gutter along with everything i used to be. i know i've changed and what i have left is the me now. love was my answer on why i was here and then laughter followed. i was in disbelief and still am.

don't leave any crazy comments because i am not playing the'woe is me' card. i need to just get this out of my head. i'll be damned either way. but i need to take my chances. whatever the consequence may be i have to be who i am. whomever that is. i am still me deep deep deep down inside.

a bientot.

p.s. the photo is of Waikiki beach. that i took in late september