the absolute truth.

in the last few days i have encountered a lot of news about rape and sexual abuse and shows like Law and Order: SVU (special victims unit) take real stories and fictionalize them. what i'm trying to relay is that this world is becoming quite predatory towards the sexes. mostly women as 80% of people who are victimized.

i am 27 now in 2006. in 1993 when i was 14 i was raped on vacation. now i will keep the sordid details to myself. now some 13 yrs later and quite a few sexual encounters later (that i will also keep to myself) i have come to the realization that i am still realing from my "experience". i'll never quite get over it for it has turned me into the sexually free person that i am. sexually free does not mean i'm a whore. its just that i'm liberated in my thinking. i'm not one to judge about other people's sexual practices. the rape and possible childhood molestation (i have flashbacks but i can't put the whole story together) has shaped the way i look at my own sexuality. i used to have this rape fantasy in my head for when and how i would have sex again. forced. painfull. psychologically i can disconnect myself from the act and the person.

in high school i did fall into the promiscuity pool but a few loving relationships later, i have learned to give of myself through emotion and spiritual depth instead of sexually. i suppose the things we are exposed to in our past never really leaves you. this will forever be my demon. it may possess me or lay dormant, but it will always be there.

i do not ask for sympathy or words of consulation from anyone. this isn't a pity party and i don't need anyone to feel bad for me. this is what happened a very long time ago and it is a part of who i am. it doesn't make it ok. but it is what it is.

thank you for letting me share this.