satellite.

today on the Travel Channel i saw a tv show about college campuses/ towns and i managed to turn onto the channel where UGA (Athens, GA) was shown as a major college town. i was delighted and had a weird desire to see and try to see my friends Mj and her husband Robert in the footage. but sadly they were not shown. :( what they did show was the beautiful funky downtown area and then onto the music scene, the 40 Watt and then onto the football. i was happy. i was there this past March visiting Mj and Robert in the cold, got sick and was no fun. i apologize to the amentioned people. i will be much more fun next time, sick or well. i promise! what i especially loved was the great friends, reading their cool collection of graphic books, the tea, the muffins, the cool art show we went to one grey day and the botanical garden picnic we did. mj and i, for the last few years, always met up at Espresso Royale Cafe. and it hasn't changed. there are always students reading, writing papers.

i've been going to Athens ever since i was about 13 or 14, visiting as i lived well over an hour away. i was entranced by the funky college atmosphere and loved the cool stores and music stores. i remember when i was 18, i saw a penis tattooed outside a tattoo shop downtown and i was kinda creeped out. thats was the time i wanted to get tattooed for the first time. anyhow, those are my fun Athens memories!!! thanks Mj for being an everlasting great friend and for Robert for being a great new friend and a special yo or aloha to Suzanne and Aiden and the cool new peeps i met on my visit!

mine.

well this is a mini update to those who are concerned about me. i am ok as i have been for what seems like forever. i'm still a little blue but now i am more concerned with stress, fatigue and bad back pains. i feel really old. but i am ok. one day i hope and wish to be happy without a little cloud hanging in the background.

i was there.

[music]: i know what kind of love this is- the nields

so in my mind, the relationship has gone from bad to worse. not that there is a concern to be made about yelling, fighting, hitting, etc. its a serene atmostphere. no loud voices, nothing of that nature. in my mind i am irritated and hurt and my whole self has been neglected. intimacy is but a memory. making love is just a memory. i crave that look in her face which she used to give me. but all the keeps playing in my mind is that long ago conversation we had when i was told that she was not gay. thats the answer to all of these tortured questions and thoughts inside my head. i know she isn't like me. she doesn't crave me as i do her. she doesn't do a lot of things that i do.

don't feel bad for me. don't feel anything at all cos its just me venting and nothing needs to come back to me. i am mostly irritated at myself for not leaving years ago. for not standing up sooner and getting what i wanted. i know the logical thing is to go and move and never look back. i think that this has been something i haven't wanted to face or see. the truth. the truth is that this isn't it.

a bientot!

dreaming.

this is a song that I LOVE.

crush by dave matthews band

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love
Crush me with the things you do
And I do for you anything too, oh
Sitting, smoking, feeling high
And in this moment, ah, it feels so right
Lovely lady, I am at your feet
Oh god i want you so badly
and i wonder this could tomorrow be
so wonderous as you there sleeping
Lets go, drive till, mornin comes
Watch the sunrise, and fill our souls oh
Well drink some, wine till, we get drunk YEAH
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
Won't spill a drop, no, I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on, oh yeah
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or, oh, am I dreaming
(Boyd's Solo)
Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
And it's times like these
When my faith I feel it
I know how I love you
Come on, Come on
Baby
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
My love
By love
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
Baby
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Oh my love
Meaning I'll hold you
But please please just let me always....

heaven, part 2.

[music]: an unusual kiss- melissa etheridge

so i saw the new movie, "A Very Long Engagment" starring a very cute 1920's Audrey Tautou. the movie itself was a good French movie about a woman during WWI that searches for her fiance. though presumed dead, she searches until the end. you shall have to it to know the ending. its agood movie though with a surprising cameo by Jodie Foster speaking French.

life for me now is going along in an ever yet so slow pace. emotionally i bounce back from happiness to complete misery and somewhere inbetween where i want to cry and cry for days. talk about an unbalanced head.

i did originally think that it was alla period thing, you know like being moody and sensitive, but i don't think it is. its hard to understand but its the pressure of life plus my burning out at work and now emotional strife at home. so much at the same time.

but i am still here. no need to worry.

a bientot!

p.s. see the movie, c'est tres formidable!

running.

[mood]: a little blue and tired
[music]: dilemma- nelly and kelly rowland

i've been really tired lately. its my period and it makes me extra tired but its annoying that along with being sluggish physically and i am emotionally battered and just plain sad. i have to stop from wanting to cry alot. just know without going into too much detail that some heavy shit happend a few nights ago. i am slowly recovering.

worlds on fire.

[mood]: tired and a bit blah
[music]: train wreck- sarah mclachlan

the last 2 days were eventful. on thursday night i watched my friend's son get a tattoo that covered half of his upper arm, got coffee and a fruity frapp at Starbucks, then went back to her place to watch Chocolat and then home. yesterday, friday, we were (me, joan, her son james and mary) originally going to Pa'ia to do some shopping and what not but the plan was foiled. instead we went to the top of Haleakala Crater. about 3 hours of driving, we arrived and the air was so COLD! i'm in my tank and shorts and everyone was in long pants and jackets. it was very beautiful. the thing that i liked the most was how on the way up, one could see the difference in landscape and vegetation. unfortunately the view of the island was covered by white puffy clouds. then about 2 hours back down, we stopped at Krispy Kreme to indulge and then onwards back to out town. we did stop at the grocery store a.k.a. my work, and i got sushi and ice cream. i got home, passed out and three hours later i ate the food. watched some DVD's...DID I MENTION THAT MY FRIEND GAVE ME THE ENTIRE SEX AND THE CITY COLLECTION!?!

today i work and hopefully on Mon. i can do some shopping. btw, i found out that i have to work alone tonight, again. life is just great!?!


http://www.mythicalrealm.com/creatures/phoenix.html#

the first pic of the phoenix is what i want as a tattoo..

a bientot!

work.

[mood]: tired
[music]: the idle hours- floating men

i am embarking on another hellish work-week. i don't have a day off til Thursday and i work alone on Tuesday night and Sunday night. i think my boss is trying to burn me out. between the hours and the bike riding she's accomplishing her task. its a bit much.

well i must go to bed. i'm exhausted and delerious.

a bientot!

la vie.

today i read that the new Harry Potter book sold a record 6.9 million in the first 24 hours. that is so amazingly crazy. i am happy that books have for once outweighed a movie premiere and that children are reading and excited about reading. i alsways have this ongoing arguement that being intellectual is better than being good at sports. that is my opinion. it doesn't make sense that players recieve more money than educators and intellectuals. i think as a whole, people would rather spend money on a sporting event than on a book or anything intellectual for that matter. maybe if it was reversed, we wouldn't have all of these morons running around with most of them in powerful positions.

other than that, everything has been on the hum drum everyday train. i'm kind of bored with it all already, but one must pay the bills. sometimes i think life would be much easier as a cat. i look at them sometimes and envy their existence of sleeping, eating and pooping. such a hard life. i have been quite more tired lately. i don't know why. i think i need to eat more!

family.

this is L2R: mom, me, my aunt rejane, cousin mathieu and

my dad in front; circa March 2004 in France

holiday.

HAPPY BASTILLE DAY!

feeling so real.

[mood]: need you ask
[music]: first cool hive- moby

i watching the movie "Possession" and it was about unconquerable love through letters and a brief encounter set in the 1800's England. i think that it would be so grand to go through life being secretly enamored with someone through letters. how romantic! one can express so much love and passion in words, with the longing anticipation of an answer back. real letters as opposed to emails.

as for the "real" world that i do exist in and not of some romantic fantasy built on romance from over a hundred years ago, i must go to work in an hour and half and it scares me and makes me dread it. it scares me into anxiety attacks because i have to work alone which frightens me but of which i can handle. i dread it because my job is mind numbing and psychologically mind altering in the respect that my boss is a b*tch and now its my turn to get her wrath.

love is great. i am contented with the normality with it but i still do wish for passion. 'i just want a little passion/ to hold me in the dark...' well said tori.

mold(s).

i know that earlier before work it seemed that i was having a pity partly. well maybe i was. i just want someone to want me, need me like i was water and they were thirsty. drink me in. to me its not fair to never have had that real feeling. someone loving and wanting me and me loving and wanting them. its always been so mismatched. usually i am the one who wants and loves. its like a drug this euphoric feeling of love and lust and sweat and kisses. it could be as simple as holding hands, watching a sunset or visiting me at work and giving me a quick kiss. in my life right now, that would never ever happen. i miss all the instense passion. does it ever come back and how do you help it come back??

this is what i think about music!

one.

i was watching a show in HBO, I think, called Same Sex America and it was a docu on the events leading up to Same Sex marriange in Mass. i am so thrilled that there is at least some recognition of gay/lesbian relationships in this country. and i was the point of tears when i saw the various couples getting married. it was so cute. now the thing that makes me sad is in my life right now is that i will never have that at this point in my life. i know i should be happy with what i have, like being understood, loving someone deeply, laughing, etc. but i want so much more. i want someone to look at me and have me be the one and only for them. i want someone who can't keep their eyes/ hands off of me and tells me that i'm the one. i want that so much. i'm afraid that i'll never be someone's "one".

i know who you really are.

[mood]: blah, i have work in about 1hr 15 min
[music]: misfit- the murmurs

i don't really have a true purpose in what i'm going to write or what my theme is. sometimes though when you talk to someone about gender roles and issues and then you sit and think on your own, it can turn everything upside down. it always amazes me when i talk to someone with a brain and we can have a real conversation. i'm also always amazed when i see lesbians out and about with their gf's. i think its cute. it draws me in. it;s not so much fun when you're partly closeted. it sucks. la vie est terrible apres ca!

i'm kinda lost when i don't know how to think or what i mean. i am walking around numb and disappointed towards a a mindless existence. i know i could somehow pull myself out of this mess and change. but how do i do that to begin with? and if i do, do that then how to i escape the wrath that awaits me at home??

til now i always got by on my own.

[mood]: ok, nothing extraordinary
[music]: may this be love- jimi hendrix

i spent an uneventful 4th o' July yesterday. i almost wrote the last but in French, as we call "franglais" lol. anyhow.. i am delirious from being up so long, since 4am this morning. i worked a slow but emotionally nervous day. i was left at my station in the deli for 6 1/2 hours alone instead of 4. good thing it was slow though. i would have freaked out more than i did. the semi-good news is that i may be transfering to the bakery department. nothing is in the books yet. but there will be a few changes soon.

as for now, i am working on a Smashing Pumpkin cd. another music endeavor! i don't know what it is but early 90's alt rock makes me feel so happy and fuzzy inside. i should be working on compilation cd's for various friends but i'm too tired and lazy. making new/old cd's are fun. but i shall work on it soon. I PROMISE!

wish my luck on my job, love, life and writing issues!

au revoir!

4th of July

while we are all celebrating the birth of a nation some 229 years ago, here are some interesting facts:

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty—“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”—was written in 1883 by Emma Lazarus, a well-known poet who ran with socialists. She openly supported the single-tax program of Henry George. Leading British socialist William Morris was her close friend. Lazarus believed in the American Dream, but she wrote the words on the Statue of Liberty to emphasize that this country should be available to even the most oppressed of the world’s people. Especially to them.

.Francis Bellamy of Boston wrote the Pledge of Allegiance in 1892, but he was more famous for delivering controversial sermons portraying Jesus Christ as a socialist. The Pledge was part of a magazine campaign to promote the use of U.S. flags in public schools in celebration of the 400th anniversary of Columbus’ discovery of America. But the Pledge was also a defiant document, asserting the country’s core moral values—“one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”—during an era when capitalism’s individualism begat the greed of the robber barons and the exploitation of the working class.

The lyrics to “America the Beautiful” were composed by progressive poet Katharine Lee Bates, a lesbian who had a decades-long, live-in relationship with economist Katharine Coman. Both women were professors at Wellesley College, outside Boston, and both were active in reform movements involving workers’ rights, the inner-city poor and women’s right to vote. The book that presented the lyrics was called America the Beautiful and Other Poems, and those “other poems” included several that excoriated the United States for its imperialistic policies in the Philippines. In that context, the closing words of the poem take on the tone of strong moral resolution: “And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea.”

so please don't take for granted what we have as a "free" nation. let us relish in the fact that we have freedom of speech, expression, religion and thought. but let's not forget that Big Brother is still watching over us.

Take back the flag! Because it’s the liberals, and not the conservatives, who truly love America.
all courtesy (except non-italicized text) of MauiTime Weekley

change my mind.

[mood]: ok but kinda lazy
[music]: never my love- the association

so the run down of the last week was this, me doing most if not all of the work at work. 4-5 days of working and closing alone is not great. if some individuals would actually show up then that would be a grand thing! work just suck anyhow. i was ready to quit numerous times this week. people at work seriously need to back off.

today i woke up early, 9:30am (that's early for me), and dropped my bike off to get it repaired and i went to the library and went back to pick up my bike, all in an hour period. and let me just say that people here do not know how to drive! it's so irritating. then i lounged about and fell asleep. well its my day off so there.

i'm kinda of a dorky, boring, low-key person these days.

health.

[mood]: ok
[music]: bad reputation- joan jett

here is my health update, i am fully 100% healthy. i don't have any funky things swimming around in my body. but the only thing is that me anemia is meanadering between perfect iron count and less than. so there is...

more laters.