life and holidays.

on wednesday, i got to ride my bike home in the warm rain of a rainy day. i was very happy cos i LOVE the rain. on thursday, i had to work with people who didn't grasp the concept of organization and thus the holiday was turned to a food frenzy and i was going to lose my mind. then as i arrived home, sweaty and tired, i ate a bit of ham only because i was a little turkied out. i called my parents who were entertaining some friends and they seemed a bit too busy to talk. it kinda broke my heart cos i miss them very much during the holidays. then i read a book on Victorian Entertaining while everyone played cards. friday, my old boss N. popped by when i was overly exhausted and a bit irritable. i tried avoiding her but she came over and said some words to me and i said some small words back to her. it made me upset so i treated myself and a coworker to a coffee. and i went home to a great 4-5 hour long conversation. saturday, today, i worked and cleaned out the freezer and cooler at work. i feel really great about accomplishing my work. i rode home, again, rain soaked but feeling great. the wind was warm but the rain was refreshingly cool. i sat down and watched the UK Music Hall of Fame and ate yummy leftovers. all in all, a great close to a day and almost of a work week. does it make sense to be vegan and work in a deli??

being gay.

i have lived daily with the shame of my homosexuality. i am reminded as much when i mention a friends name or when my phone bill lists the numbers to friends i've talked to. i believe that is why i am often down and depressed. i have internalized homophobia. shows like Queer As Folk, the L Word and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy do make me feel less alone, but i am one little gay gal on my own in the vast see of str8 people that are my friends. i often joke that i am the only gay gal i know, but the sad truth is i am. maybe that's why i tend to be highly attracted to someone who is a lesbian when i meet them. everytime it is like i'm a kid in a candy store. i can't stick with the candy i have and i want to devour all that i see. i have to try to find a balance in that world. then the flipside to that is that as a result of my low lesbian acceptance in myself, i am plagued with the shame almost everyday. i long for passion and desire for me. i'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones but i think i'm attractive and silly and smart and passionate. i have a lot to offer a gal and in return i want love and desire and passion. def not a place that conveniently turns into a roommate situation with occasional benefits. i've had a similar version of that in the past. i think that's where my cheating lies. i go to the person that finds me attractive and desireable when all i want is for the person i love and want the most to feel that way about me. is there a medium there?? but i don't want to live that way. i don't want to wonder what will happen and live through this when nothing does happen. i don't want to feel shameful anymore.

fly away.

fly away by poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break
And the earth should shake
As if to say:
Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant
way
As if to say, hey

Fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words
I know that you'd say fly
Fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break
And my hands should shake
As if to say:
Sure it don't matter except in the most important
way
As if to say:

Hey, fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words I know that you'd say
Fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade
And yet still remain
As if to say:
Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say:
It's ok:
Fly Away

where it's at.

i am home on a "sick" day i took. i had a bad headache last night and couldn't sleep all that well. my head is still sore. prob due to all of the dust and pledge spray that i inhaled when we deep cleaned our rooms. a lot of clothes were discarded, a lot. it felt like a great cleansing process. but boy did i sneeze! all day long......

in rather serious news, it is breaking my heart what is going on in France. it saddens me that old friends and family members may be caught up in this barage of stupid violence. i wish people could be compassionate and real and nice. civil and happy and peaceful together. we may be all of diff races, ethnicities and religions and sexual orientation but can't we reach a level where we all understand and know what our needs, wants and desires are? can't we just feel and understand???

its my life.

[music]: my life- dido
[mood]: a bit tired

can i just say how grande life is right now!?! last night wasn't very eventful. i did laundry and hung out watching the other playing the Sims2 game. its funny. when you want the Sims people to have sex (either sex together or seperately) you hit the WOOHOO button. its so crazy and fascinating. then i went to bed around 11pm to wake up for 3am only to see as i arrived at work that the schedule changed and i was to arrive for work at 1pm. so i left work and rode my bike back home. arrived covered in sweat and sat in the dark with the light of the tv drinking water. then i showered and passed out on the couch. at about 9:50am i awoke and hung out with the other. we talked. joked. then i went to work and spent a good 7 hours straight on my feet. then i went home, in a rather fowl mood, and now at 10pm i am typing! i got home at a quarter to 8pm. i made a yummy coconut cream pie and washed a few dishes. now slowly working on the ipod again and all in all the night isn't so bad....so far.

going back everytime.

(left) African penguins in Oahu!
well after last weeks "talk", all is right with the world again. i'm being lazy on this sunday mid afternoon washing clothes and saving up energy to clean the house. i hate being an adult. other than that i've been working my booty off at work and took a "grace matinee", long morning sleeping. i feel better though i wasted half a day. i was thinking quite recently that i'm of this pessimistic attitude that i have adopted. aren't you??

the beginning of an end.

[mood]: blah
[music]: meet me in the dark- melissa etheridge

last nights "talk" was saddening. things have changed a little, enough for me to be perplexed and upset by. i don't know what i'm doing anymore or if i have enough in me to give and feel. i suppose that you can say that for the past few years i have been meandering between happiness and sadness. a rollercoaster ride of emotion of soaring through the air uphill and then dropping just as quickley to a low. i'm joust completely exhausted.

i don't know how i can explain it in a way to show that this is something different and not a feeling that i've really felt. it sounds as if its something that i've felt or lived with already. in a way yes and in a way no. just remember that i used to be such a kick-ass chick and now i have left her in the gutter along with everything i used to be. i know i've changed and what i have left is the me now. love was my answer on why i was here and then laughter followed. i was in disbelief and still am.

don't leave any crazy comments because i am not playing the'woe is me' card. i need to just get this out of my head. i'll be damned either way. but i need to take my chances. whatever the consequence may be i have to be who i am. whomever that is. i am still me deep deep deep down inside.

a bientot.

p.s. the photo is of Waikiki beach. that i took in late september

back in a flash.

here's a quick rundown of what i did and bought in Honolulu, Oaho in the last day and a half:

09/26/05: woke up at 4:40am. arrived at 7am or so, ate breakfast w/ parents at the Hilton Hawaiian Village hotel (which is amazing), went to Waikele to go to the Hawaiian Plantation Village which was also amazing, it showed the diff. ethnicities that came to the islands and their living conditions, etc. afterwards we went to Genki Sushi for lunch, went outlet shopping across the way. i bought: a white Adidas purple stripe track jacket and 2 Adidas logo tshirts, a pair of black Vans and a logo tshirt, a button up cowboy-ish style white shirt with blue flowers from Levi's. after the shopping we drove back to the hotel and chilled. we arrived back, i bought 2 slippah necklace ornaments (my mom's one is pink and mine is black), to a very funky smelling room. my mom complained and we got a new room with a better view (of Waikiki beach) and while they moved i sat at the bar and had a rum and coke. more rum than coke. a soda later we went to the room again and we went downstairs to see the free Hula show. went upstairs and changed for dinner. we went to a japanese restuarant and had sushi, again. after dinner we went back to the room and changed and crashed.

09/27/05: at 7:30am i awoke and we all got ready for breakfast. after breakfast we went to the room and then went onto the Bishop Museum that was connected to the hotel. it showed the history of the Hawaiian people and had the original king's and queen's garments, jewelry and carriage. it was great! then we headed to Ala Moana Shopping Center, 4 levels high. for all you Atlanta, GA folks..imagine Phipps Plaza and Lenox Square meshed into one shopping center. i bought there: a Gap sweater and panties (there was a HUGE 50% off sale!) and Hello Kitty stuff. i am so psyched! then i ate a quick bite at Arby's and went back to the hotel. we left about 3pm to go to the airport and at 3:30pm i went to my gate. there was a long goodbye and i felt sad for leaving my parents. at 4:30pm we boarded and at 5:30pm i was home in Maui. i drove from the airport and got McDonald's. got home and chilled a bit. started laundry and washed dishes and cleaned out some of my bags. i'm a little tired but somewhat happy to be home!

a bientot!

dismantled.

[music]: supersonic- oasis
[mood]: excited and pensive

so in a day or so i am going to Honolulu to visit my parents. i am super, super excited but the real feeling i have right now is extreme fatigue. i've been up since 3am and its 8:45pm or so. i was gonna go to bed but i started redoing my ipod stuff and then i started launndry,etc. sometimes i feel like a housewife. at times an underappreciated one. anyhow...i haven't seen my parents since March of this year when we ventured to the ATL. so its a mini mini vacation for me. 2 days of off island adventure. hopefully the real vacation in January to WA state to visit my parents will do me more good. plus there is a chance that i may visit my friend, C in San Fran before i see my parents.

so the dismantling part is this: i would be so very tempted to move to the mainland after the visits. what do i do?

a bientot!

films.

[music]: FNT- Semisonic

this afternoon, i saw the movie 'God is Great and I Am Not' with the lovely Audrey Tautou. i liked this movie a lot. you should see it. its acomoc tale of a young lady who goes through various religious and spiritual escapades trying to find the meaning of life and trying to find love. be warned that it is a foreign film, French with subtitles.

so in the last few days i have acquired the following goodies: a Puma track jacket, Puma shoes, Adidas shoes, two Puma tees, an Element track jacket, an old Beatles tee, a Coca Cola tee, a few cool print tees, and a Hawaiian Punch tee. i am happy and tired.



a bientot!

jour numero trois.

[music]: in the waiting line- remy zero
Today I had a horrendous day at work. When I got there I learned that my coworker, who was supposed to work half my shift with me, walked out after an argument. I was livid and floored at the same time. Then the small panic attacks started. It subsided and I calmed down and got my stuff done. Luckily it was slow-ish and though busy every minute, I got everything done. I panicked because I was supposed to make three food platters for a customer for 6am tomorrow. The upside was that I closed down about an our early and afterwards did the platters. I got out of work 10 minutes early. So it all pretty much worked out in the end. Now at the end, driving home, I rocked out to some Blondie and felt very rock star-like. Now in a few, I will feast on sushi followed by some cherry garcia ice cream.
An aside to the anonymous commenter…your link didn’t go anywhere but thanks for the good comment!!
Also…I saw the movies: La Repetition and the Boys on 2nd Street Park. The second was better as it was a docu based on a group of kids growing up in Brooklyn. The first was a bit psychotic and strange for a lesbian flick. Who knows…are we all crazy??
A bientot!

day 2.

yesterday i work until 8:30pm and went to an empty, dark house with two kitties waiting on me. bleary eyed and yawning. i drank a smirnoff ice to get me tired beyond belief and then i drank two cups of water and tottered off to bed. not being able to bring myself to darken the entire house, i left the sink light on and the phone. i got a sweet but short phone call before sleep.

at 4am, i awoke for work. 5am led to 9am and i was home. by 9:30am i was asleep on the couch. at 12:30pm my friend Wendy called me and we talked for a bit. then i showered and drove to the Salvation Army, Post Office, Taco Bell, Long's Drugs, Safeway, Borders Express, Blockbuster Video, then to the closed Library, Foodland and Beach Road Records. i got about 7 book, 3 cd's (Natalie Merchant "Tigerlily", Garden State soundtrack, and Lilith Fair), food, a bit of groceries, two videos, stamps and cd case tags. i called my parents, did some cleaning, got a sweeter phone call, washed clothes and cleaned my room. now i am downloading the aforementioned cd's into the ipod. I can't wait until Friday!!

maybe.

[music]: live forever- oasis

where to start....

at work tonight there were a lot of things that aggrivated me, but namely so is the pure STUPIDITY that buzzes around. how did we as a nation have so many stupid idiots around? and the most atrocious fact is that most of these stupid people are the ones who are controlling the USA and have money. i don't get it, not to toot my own horn but speaking as someone who went to college and has traveled around the world a bit, that more people haven't bumped more into things and fallen down. work was a painful reminder of how much of my life i'm wasting working here.

next week i shall be completely alone. this saddens me greatly and i do believe that i will be spending a lot daylight hours in the library or the such. i'll prob hang out with my friends when i am otherwise crying. it'll be hard. i do have an alone issue but such is life.

a bientot!

heart.

hey! this isn't a long message but i wanted to let everyone know that i am alive and well. time sneaks by so fast and here we are in September! i also wanted to say how sorry i am for the people in New Orleans! :( it is such a beautiful city with so much vibrant culture and life. i hope that everyone is ok there.

ok..until next time!

p.s. Mj, i totally agree with you about president shrub!!!!

satellite.

today on the Travel Channel i saw a tv show about college campuses/ towns and i managed to turn onto the channel where UGA (Athens, GA) was shown as a major college town. i was delighted and had a weird desire to see and try to see my friends Mj and her husband Robert in the footage. but sadly they were not shown. :( what they did show was the beautiful funky downtown area and then onto the music scene, the 40 Watt and then onto the football. i was happy. i was there this past March visiting Mj and Robert in the cold, got sick and was no fun. i apologize to the amentioned people. i will be much more fun next time, sick or well. i promise! what i especially loved was the great friends, reading their cool collection of graphic books, the tea, the muffins, the cool art show we went to one grey day and the botanical garden picnic we did. mj and i, for the last few years, always met up at Espresso Royale Cafe. and it hasn't changed. there are always students reading, writing papers.

i've been going to Athens ever since i was about 13 or 14, visiting as i lived well over an hour away. i was entranced by the funky college atmosphere and loved the cool stores and music stores. i remember when i was 18, i saw a penis tattooed outside a tattoo shop downtown and i was kinda creeped out. thats was the time i wanted to get tattooed for the first time. anyhow, those are my fun Athens memories!!! thanks Mj for being an everlasting great friend and for Robert for being a great new friend and a special yo or aloha to Suzanne and Aiden and the cool new peeps i met on my visit!

mine.

well this is a mini update to those who are concerned about me. i am ok as i have been for what seems like forever. i'm still a little blue but now i am more concerned with stress, fatigue and bad back pains. i feel really old. but i am ok. one day i hope and wish to be happy without a little cloud hanging in the background.

i was there.

[music]: i know what kind of love this is- the nields

so in my mind, the relationship has gone from bad to worse. not that there is a concern to be made about yelling, fighting, hitting, etc. its a serene atmostphere. no loud voices, nothing of that nature. in my mind i am irritated and hurt and my whole self has been neglected. intimacy is but a memory. making love is just a memory. i crave that look in her face which she used to give me. but all the keeps playing in my mind is that long ago conversation we had when i was told that she was not gay. thats the answer to all of these tortured questions and thoughts inside my head. i know she isn't like me. she doesn't crave me as i do her. she doesn't do a lot of things that i do.

don't feel bad for me. don't feel anything at all cos its just me venting and nothing needs to come back to me. i am mostly irritated at myself for not leaving years ago. for not standing up sooner and getting what i wanted. i know the logical thing is to go and move and never look back. i think that this has been something i haven't wanted to face or see. the truth. the truth is that this isn't it.

a bientot!

dreaming.

this is a song that I LOVE.

crush by dave matthews band

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love
Crush me with the things you do
And I do for you anything too, oh
Sitting, smoking, feeling high
And in this moment, ah, it feels so right
Lovely lady, I am at your feet
Oh god i want you so badly
and i wonder this could tomorrow be
so wonderous as you there sleeping
Lets go, drive till, mornin comes
Watch the sunrise, and fill our souls oh
Well drink some, wine till, we get drunk YEAH
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
Won't spill a drop, no, I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on, oh yeah
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or, oh, am I dreaming
(Boyd's Solo)
Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
And it's times like these
When my faith I feel it
I know how I love you
Come on, Come on
Baby
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
My love
By love
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
Baby
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Oh my love
Meaning I'll hold you
But please please just let me always....

heaven, part 2.

[music]: an unusual kiss- melissa etheridge

so i saw the new movie, "A Very Long Engagment" starring a very cute 1920's Audrey Tautou. the movie itself was a good French movie about a woman during WWI that searches for her fiance. though presumed dead, she searches until the end. you shall have to it to know the ending. its agood movie though with a surprising cameo by Jodie Foster speaking French.

life for me now is going along in an ever yet so slow pace. emotionally i bounce back from happiness to complete misery and somewhere inbetween where i want to cry and cry for days. talk about an unbalanced head.

i did originally think that it was alla period thing, you know like being moody and sensitive, but i don't think it is. its hard to understand but its the pressure of life plus my burning out at work and now emotional strife at home. so much at the same time.

but i am still here. no need to worry.

a bientot!

p.s. see the movie, c'est tres formidable!

running.

[mood]: a little blue and tired
[music]: dilemma- nelly and kelly rowland

i've been really tired lately. its my period and it makes me extra tired but its annoying that along with being sluggish physically and i am emotionally battered and just plain sad. i have to stop from wanting to cry alot. just know without going into too much detail that some heavy shit happend a few nights ago. i am slowly recovering.