welcome to the family!

here is the new addition to the family, a new kitty named Puma. a gal and we got her last night and she was found outside of a grocery store in the loading area. obviously a stray but she's cuddly and sleeping next to me on the desk as i type this.

the other cats are no so thrilled but this is the official 1st day so they'll eventually get used to her! as you can see she's all black, a very cat she will be during halloween!!




to the right is tigger, he's a boy cat and very very mellow. he has these amazing stripes and is now the "middle" kitty in the bunch!







and this is precious the "the oldest" of kitties. she's sassy and tempermental but so cuddly when she wants to be.

thus, this is our little kitty family!!!!

letters.

i've been a crappy correspondant. i don't write, hardly email and even call less. why, why, why? in all honesty i felt really disgusted at myself for how i was when i was ATL last. i'm embarassed and ashamed but primarily due to the fact that it was a short 5 or 6 months after my bicycle accident and that i felt very, very insecure. i got a tooth knocked and had not felt myself to be beautiful. now and then i did have a temp. replacement tooth but tis not the same. i feel ok about myself now. plus i'm just a bit lazy. i have the same day, everyday and its nothing worth writing about. but nevertheless i hear from no one and no one hears from me. I'M SO EXTREMELY TIRED! its the lazy days of summer.

i can't wait to leave in a month and a half!! Washington here i come!!!!! sometimes one needs to just get away to experience another life. to breathe the clean air and just drown in the rolling landscapes.

***an aside to Mj- i haven't really heard much of Kate Bush so any cool mix would be welcomed!!!

a bienot!

summer music groove

this is my music mix for the summer...i think they work pretty well together and there is some new and old stuff to celebrate a good summer with good tunes. also check out Jill Scott- Beautifully Human:Words And Sounds Vol. 2 anyhow i hope you enjoy it. *** i realize summer is almost done so maybe this will carry you until mis October!

The Blowers Daughter-Damien Rice
Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Rae
Behind These Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson
Black Horse and the Cherry Tree- KT Tunstall
You're Beautiful- James Blunt
Bad Day- Daniel Powter
Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray
Talk- Coldplay
Speed Of Sound- Coldplay
Square One- Coldplay
Crazy For This Girl0- Evan & Jaron
Powerless (Say What You Want)- Nelly Furtado
Kind & Generous- Natalie Merchant
Break Your Heart- Natalie Merchant
Carnival- Natalie Merchant
Jealousy- Natalie Merchant
Quiet (Original Mix)- Zöel
Precious Little- Eleanor McEvoy

this thing you call love.

i've been hearing the song "Taxi Ride" by Tori Amos a lot lately. its a great song and the namesake for my blog. at least its the line from the song. "Scarlet's Walk" is a great album.

i've been working a lot lately and sleeping even more. its so hot here and i've been sleeping outrageous amounts. well a few naps here and there that are between 2-5 hours long. i feel like a pre-school kid that has to take the afternoon nap. in pre-school i used to fall asleep at the moment we had to be awaken. everytime. perhaps i sleep out of boredom or laziness. who knows.

but life keeps rolling on and on. i am truly happy with all of my friends, new and old. i am happy 95% of the time, when i'm awake. it also seems like its baby season. i know so many women who are pregnant. its crazy, especially in this heat. good luck to you gals!

a bienot!

smooth.

[smooth] santana and rob thomas

i've been into latin sounding music lately. if one wants one to listen to, try the Gypsy Kings the song "Bamboleo" (this is my favorite!). i do wish i was born hispanic or of something that wasmore culturally deep. i can't really complain since i'm French. but everything that is hispanic, asian, polynesian or native american is just so exotic and culturally influenced. (i'm exhausted right now)

today at work was ok, though it turned out a bit on the horrendous side. i don't like it when people whine or demand something they can't get. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE 5!!!!! i don't have the patience and my friends should know not to pull that crap with me. she didn't apologoize so i suppose things will be on hold until she does. perhaps she doesn't know what she should be apologizing for or that she should, you definitely should unless you want to be friends. "i can be cruel, i don't know why..." well said Tori Amos.

anyhow, a few more days o' work and then i am finished. for those who are feeling i have forgotten you, don't. letter writing will resume soon!!!

a bientot!

inspired?

the 4th was fun. i went over to my friend Mary's house and we went to the pool, watched a movie D.E.B.S. (which was so sweet and cute...a slight lesbian love story line that i dug) while eating sandwiches that i brought along. then we went down to my other friends Robin's house and hung out and then we left. walked over to my house (about a 30-45min. walk) and hung out and i changed clothes, watched some stupid kids with firecrackers and then got a ride from my cool Cambodian friend Nakry and ate Thai food. then afterwards we all went back to Mary's place and Nakry did makeup on us (i got my eyebrows tweaked and it hurt). took pictures and giggled. very reminiscent of high school/middle school days. then i got dropped off at my house. a fight ensued. i cried myself to sleep. but all is ok now. is it ever really??

last night i finally saw the movie, Treading Water. it was a sweet, realistic lesbian movie. i like to see lesbians in love in movies. it secretly gives me hope. i am in love. i just wish love wasn't so hard.

my 4th wasn't too bad. i had fun nevertheless.

atlanta.

i was just reading the online version of creative loafing of Atlanta and i was reminded of all the fun, adventure and heartbreak that i endured while living there. perhaps i can regail my audience with my tales.

i moved there in 1985 or so (but i was born there in 1979) and in my high school years (1993-1997) i would drive to Little 5 or Virginia Highlands (when it was cool) and hang out. i had my outside of school friends who all ended up being punk musicians of some sort. many of my boyfriends were in a band of some sort. i should have tried out but i was way more shy then than i am now. the only one who wanted to try out was Keefe. anyhow, i grew up mostly in Duluth which was about 20-30min north of the city. i had my spots along Peachtree Blvd that i used to go to. Waffle House, a lot of antique stores, HMV music at Lennox Sq., sometimes to UGA in Athens, always Best Buy, Borders (which no longer exists), Gwinnett Place Mall especially the Sanrio store. those were days. i was solitary a lot of the time.

when i graduated i went to Brenau University in Gainesville (an all women's college, which sounded convincing when my college counselour told my parents) and roommed with a weird British gal, Sam which ended in disaster. then i made friends with a girl name Katie (the first gal i slept with) and then she dropped out. the adjoining room that shared the bathroom was Sara, who at the time was timid and a bit square. but she was cool and we hung out all the time. then i fell in love with her. we went everywhere together. so the heartbreak is that. after she returned from NYC she dumped me.

i could say that my life in ATL is bittersweet. i wish i had known myself better when i was in high school. perhaps i would've been happier. mostly what i picture about Atlanta was driving the highways at night. either coming from work in Brookhaven or driving to Gainesville. or just driving around at night to think. i picture the long stretch of road, the lights of other cars, bulidings, highway lights (especially in Peachtree Corners). yeah its bittersweet. but i learned and experienced life that is sometimes good and bad but one does learn.

a bientot!

boredom.

TEN FAVORITES
1. televison show: Law and Order, Queer Eye, Trauma Life in the ER, What Not to Wear, Real Time
2. flower: plumeria, roses
3. color: black, blue, red, purple
4. sport: soccer
5. mall: Ala Moana, Queen Kaahumanu
6. music: anything except for country/religious/or bitch rap/hip-hop
7. food: anything asian
8. season: autumn
9. animal: penguins, cats
10. country: the US or France

TEN FACTS
1. hometown: Duluth, GA
2. hair color: natural brown
3. hair length: halfway down mmy back
4. hair style: straight
5. eye color: light blue
6. shoe size: 9 or 10 depending on the shoe
7. mood: contente
8. orientation: lesbian
9. available?: nope, not since 2001
10. lefty/righty: righty, yo

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. have you ever been in love: yes
2. do you believe in love: yes, i'm a closet romantic
3. why did your last relationship fail: i cheated.
4. have you ever been heartbroken: yes
5. have you ever broken someone's heart: yes
6. there is no number six
7. have you ever loved someone but never told them: nope
8. are you afraid of commitment: nope
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: yes
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: i think so

TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT
1. love or lust: love
2. hard liquor or beer: no alcohol please (unless its for cocktails)
3. night or day: night
4. one night stands or relationships: relationships
5. televison or internet: tv
6. pepsi or coke: pepsi (i'm a caffeine junkie)
7. wild night out or romantic night in: romantic
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: black and white
9. phone or in person: either
10. aim or myspace: AIM

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. have you ever been caught sneaking out: no
2. have you ever skinny dipped: no
3. have you ever done something you regret: yes
4. have you ever bungee jumped: nope
5. have you ever been on a house boat: yes
6. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: yes
7. have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt: yes, haven't we all!?!
8. have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't: yes
9. have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey?: in high school
10. no number 10

TEN EMOTIONS
1. are you missing someone right now: yes, my parents
2. are you happy: nowadays, for the most part
3. are you talking to anyone right now: was to my dad
4. are you bored: yeah
5. are you german: no
6. are you irish: no
7. are you french: 100%
8. are you Italian: no
9. are your parents still married: 30 years and counting.
10. do you like someone right now: i like everyone!

heaven.

[heaven] los lonely boys

this song reminds me of lying somewhere in the sun with a cool breeze brushing your face. too much island life i suppose. there are many who do not have a grassy place to lie down. perhaps on the carpet in one's house with the window open. its so mellow.

i was thinking about doing a summer and winter compilation that i would send out or at least a top whatever music that i dig. if anyone wants a copy then comment me. i'm trying to fill up my time with music stuffs.

as for the personal, i am ding extremely well. i couldn't be happier. though it feels as if i'm living in the oven of hell, its so HOT. i suppose its typical for this time of the year. everything seems to have fallen into place so i'm psyched. in other great news, France qualified for the 2nd round winning 2:0 against Togo. and my vacation is in 2 months!!!!!!! i suppose it is quite unlikely that France may win the Cup but i'm not giving up.

a bientot!

la vie.

j'ai voulez ecrire en francias parce-que je voule le faire. peut-etre pas tout le blog mes je vais essayer. maintenant ma vie vas tres tres bien. je suis heureuse avec elle. la place ou je ne suis pas contente et le travail. je me fait vraiment malheureux. bientot je voudrais changes mon cariere et je voudrais travailler dans un bibliotheque!

sinons, a tout a l'heure!

a bientot!

p.s. i'm in a french speaking mode now. http://dictionary.reference.com/translate/text.html go here for translations! France vs. Switzerland: 0-0

reflections.

i do have to confess that after watching the loving love scene in "Its In the Water" and listening to this song that i've been hung up on my first. i hurt her a lot as i have so many other women that i've loved. i think that i try to sabotage my happiness so that i can pay for the hurt i've caused. i know that things between my first and i will never be again. i had my chance at 19. i know that she doesn't want anything to do with me. all i can romanticize is the brief time we had together when i was the happiest with a woman. we loved each other so greatly and purely. she loved me purely. i miss having someone looking at me the way she did or finding me beautiful and sexy. desireble. i miss that look. i threw it all away. for nothing and immaturity. so i'd like to scream a thousand sorry's to all i've loved: Sara, Andrea and the other.


Reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes

Through the mirror of my mind
Time after time
I see reflections of you and me

Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me

Oh, I'm all alone now
No love to shield me
Try in a world that's...
A distorted reality

Happiness you... took from me
And left me alone
With only memories
Through the mirror of my mind
Through each tear that I've cried
Reflects the hurt I can't control

'Cause although you're gone
I keep holdin' on
To the happy times
Ooh, when you were mine

As I peer through the window
Of lost time
Looking over my yesterdays
And all the love I gave all in vain


All the love
All the love that I've wasted
All those tears
All the tears that I've tasted
All in vain

Through the hollow of my tears
I see a dream that's lost
From the hurt,
That you have caused
Everywhere I turn,
Seems like everything I see
Reflects the love that used to be

In you I put
All my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust

After all the nights
I sat alone on wept
Just a handfull of promises
Are all that's left, of loving you

Reflections of,
The way life used to be
Reflections of,
The love you took from me
In you I put, all my faith and trust
And right before my eyes
My world has turned to dust

how.

the last few days i've had some things going on in my head. i'm soon to be going through some life changing things so bare with me as i try to figure all of it out. life can be so all-consuming sometimes and it can get pretty crazy.

it seems most of my friends are married and having babies. i am still in the eternal non-baby and non-marriage category, for 6yrs now. thats one of the things that heavily weighs. one day it will change.

as for the fun, fun stuff going on: the 2006 FIFA World Cup Soccer is upon us again. i am going for the French team so we'll see what happens. if they don't do well, i can always watch the 1998 FIFA World Cup when they beat Brazil to win the cup. you know i have the DVD!

and if all else fails...rock it out!

haunted by poe

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come hereI've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Ba da pa pa...

epidemic.

today i watched the movie, "After Stonewall", which documents the happenings and history of the Gay and Lesbian movement from 1970's til now. of course alot of it has to do with the AIDS epidemic and it makes me sad. it makes me think of my uncle who is infected and how he is dealing with it. he's had it since i was in 7th grade, at 13, and now i'm 27. he's still alive and has a family. i just think how scary it must be to live with something that will eventually kill you. i also think about the many unknown people in the world who have dies from it and are infected.

for all of the hetero, gay men and lesbian women: please use protection when having sex. 10 seconds of pleasure isn't worth dying for! and if you are infected, don't be ashamed but instead be vocal!! silence = death

i know i am but a small blog that a handfull of people read, but hopefully the ones that do read this may be more aware!

poem.

Passing by Judith Barrington

Light-fingered wind teases our bare skin
as we stride with an easy rhythm

for two good miles, breasting the hill
in shorts, socks and dusty boots

between salmon-pink ponderosas
crusty bark, etched with black.

At an unexpected bend in the trail
we stop, face to face with strangers-

the woman in front, shielding him
from our bare breasts and clumsiness.

In the blazing sun, the red bandanna
drags over my eyes, the hasty shirt

catches my sunglasses; i blush;
i curse, needing to pass.

The shirtless man mumbles
close to me on the foot-wide trail

and i cover my sweaty breasts-
blushing and cursing and passing.

this song has been in my head and in my heart. thinking about my parents farm in rural WA makes me want to claim the open land and the open sky.

Home on the Range, sung by Tori Amos

(Home, home on the range)
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows lazily down the stream
Where the graceful white swan goes a gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day...

just remember i love you.

i see all around me people with full lives. not necessarily productive but full and busy. i keep waiting to start mine, at 27. i do nothing real with my time. today i made stationary, but thats about it. i move from one little project obsession to another. plus there are my correspondances from varied US locations. but those are fleeting things. i don't have a concrete day to day thing. like my dad said, he would be miserable if he had my life. i am but masking it quite well. i work, come home and watch tv and putter online, eat, watch the Godfather video game being played and then pass out. thats almost daily. yikes!

str8 friends, gay woman.

i have somewhat of a dilemna. all of my friends are str8 and i'm gay. now its not like i don't love, appreciate and like my str8 friends. its just that sometimes its hard for me to wholeheartedly relate to their lives and them to mine. mostly to mine.

now with lesbians things get a bit tricky. i have a small few that live mostly on the mainland (that's the NorthAmerican continent to the rest of you) scattered about. but basically none here in HI. perhaps what i crave the most is just contact and the easiness of talking and relating to a fellow lesbian. where is everyone?? i know that there are some here in Maui. but they are scattered about as well and dramatic. ask about Pride 2004 for details. still it isn't easy when i need occasional reassurance to be proud of who i am.

i am proud in my own gayness. i just wish to not feel so alone nor the only gay woman i know.

my favorite poem.

The Narrows by Jim Carroll

That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.

you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.

I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.

I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.

fire.

tonights sunset was like this. to me it reminds me of volcanic lava spilling into the sky. the colors here are so amazing!

ok so i've just begin to realize after much self-loathing that i am a sad little gal. perfectly goth without the makeup and dark drab. goth is spirit. i need to remedy this situation.