str8 friends, gay woman.

i have somewhat of a dilemna. all of my friends are str8 and i'm gay. now its not like i don't love, appreciate and like my str8 friends. its just that sometimes its hard for me to wholeheartedly relate to their lives and them to mine. mostly to mine.

now with lesbians things get a bit tricky. i have a small few that live mostly on the mainland (that's the NorthAmerican continent to the rest of you) scattered about. but basically none here in HI. perhaps what i crave the most is just contact and the easiness of talking and relating to a fellow lesbian. where is everyone?? i know that there are some here in Maui. but they are scattered about as well and dramatic. ask about Pride 2004 for details. still it isn't easy when i need occasional reassurance to be proud of who i am.

i am proud in my own gayness. i just wish to not feel so alone nor the only gay woman i know.

my favorite poem.

The Narrows by Jim Carroll

That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.

you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.

I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.

I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.

fire.

tonights sunset was like this. to me it reminds me of volcanic lava spilling into the sky. the colors here are so amazing!

ok so i've just begin to realize after much self-loathing that i am a sad little gal. perfectly goth without the makeup and dark drab. goth is spirit. i need to remedy this situation.

the whole truth.

well the absolute truth is that the rape does still bother me and raises a lot of questions. like am i really gay or am i gay because i am afraid of men. i am but only in the attacking thing. i think i am gay cos i LOVE women but i wish that i had discovered that part of me a long, long time ago. its all a confusing mess. but it does blur my view of sexuality. i see it as forceful and nonfeeling and of dealing with the mechanics of the body. love, sensuality doesn't enter my mind when i picture sex or making love. to me a full loving relationship, in my mind and not in reality, doesn't include sex. i can't put the two in the same picture. sex in a way in brutality.

the absolute truth.

in the last few days i have encountered a lot of news about rape and sexual abuse and shows like Law and Order: SVU (special victims unit) take real stories and fictionalize them. what i'm trying to relay is that this world is becoming quite predatory towards the sexes. mostly women as 80% of people who are victimized.

i am 27 now in 2006. in 1993 when i was 14 i was raped on vacation. now i will keep the sordid details to myself. now some 13 yrs later and quite a few sexual encounters later (that i will also keep to myself) i have come to the realization that i am still realing from my "experience". i'll never quite get over it for it has turned me into the sexually free person that i am. sexually free does not mean i'm a whore. its just that i'm liberated in my thinking. i'm not one to judge about other people's sexual practices. the rape and possible childhood molestation (i have flashbacks but i can't put the whole story together) has shaped the way i look at my own sexuality. i used to have this rape fantasy in my head for when and how i would have sex again. forced. painfull. psychologically i can disconnect myself from the act and the person.

in high school i did fall into the promiscuity pool but a few loving relationships later, i have learned to give of myself through emotion and spiritual depth instead of sexually. i suppose the things we are exposed to in our past never really leaves you. this will forever be my demon. it may possess me or lay dormant, but it will always be there.

i do not ask for sympathy or words of consulation from anyone. this isn't a pity party and i don't need anyone to feel bad for me. this is what happened a very long time ago and it is a part of who i am. it doesn't make it ok. but it is what it is.

thank you for letting me share this.