11.26.2005

life and holidays.

on wednesday, i got to ride my bike home in the warm rain of a rainy day. i was very happy cos i LOVE the rain. on thursday, i had to work with people who didn't grasp the concept of organization and thus the holiday was turned to a food frenzy and i was going to lose my mind. then as i arrived home, sweaty and tired, i ate a bit of ham only because i was a little turkied out. i called my parents who were entertaining some friends and they seemed a bit too busy to talk. it kinda broke my heart cos i miss them very much during the holidays. then i read a book on Victorian Entertaining while everyone played cards. friday, my old boss N. popped by when i was overly exhausted and a bit irritable. i tried avoiding her but she came over and said some words to me and i said some small words back to her. it made me upset so i treated myself and a coworker to a coffee. and i went home to a great 4-5 hour long conversation. saturday, today, i worked and cleaned out the freezer and cooler at work. i feel really great about accomplishing my work. i rode home, again, rain soaked but feeling great. the wind was warm but the rain was refreshingly cool. i sat down and watched the UK Music Hall of Fame and ate yummy leftovers. all in all, a great close to a day and almost of a work week. does it make sense to be vegan and work in a deli??

11.18.2005

being gay.

i have lived daily with the shame of my homosexuality. i am reminded as much when i mention a friends name or when my phone bill lists the numbers to friends i've talked to. i believe that is why i am often down and depressed. i have internalized homophobia. shows like Queer As Folk, the L Word and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy do make me feel less alone, but i am one little gay gal on my own in the vast see of str8 people that are my friends. i often joke that i am the only gay gal i know, but the sad truth is i am. maybe that's why i tend to be highly attracted to someone who is a lesbian when i meet them. everytime it is like i'm a kid in a candy store. i can't stick with the candy i have and i want to devour all that i see. i have to try to find a balance in that world. then the flipside to that is that as a result of my low lesbian acceptance in myself, i am plagued with the shame almost everyday. i long for passion and desire for me. i'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones but i think i'm attractive and silly and smart and passionate. i have a lot to offer a gal and in return i want love and desire and passion. def not a place that conveniently turns into a roommate situation with occasional benefits. i've had a similar version of that in the past. i think that's where my cheating lies. i go to the person that finds me attractive and desireable when all i want is for the person i love and want the most to feel that way about me. is there a medium there?? but i don't want to live that way. i don't want to wonder what will happen and live through this when nothing does happen. i don't want to feel shameful anymore.

11.15.2005

fly away.

fly away by poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break
And the earth should shake
As if to say:
Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant
way
As if to say, hey

Fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words
I know that you'd say fly
Fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break
And my hands should shake
As if to say:
Sure it don't matter except in the most important
way
As if to say:

Hey, fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words I know that you'd say
Fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade
And yet still remain
As if to say:
Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say:
It's ok:

Fly Away

11.08.2005

where it's at.

i am home on a "sick" day i took. i had a bad headache last night and couldn't sleep all that well. my head is still sore. prob due to all of the dust and pledge spray that i inhaled when we deep cleaned our rooms. a lot of clothes were discarded, a lot. it felt like a great cleansing process. but boy did i sneeze! all day long......

in rather serious news, it is breaking my heart what is going on in France. it saddens me that old friends and family members may be caught up in this barage of stupid violence. i wish people could be compassionate and real and nice. civil and happy and peaceful together. we may be all of diff races, ethnicities and religions and sexual orientation but can't we reach a level where we all understand and know what our needs, wants and desires are? can't we just feel and understand???

11.01.2005

its my life.

[music]: my life- dido
[mood]: a bit tired

can i just say how grande life is right now!?! last night wasn't very eventful. i did laundry and hung out watching the other playing the Sims2 game. its funny. when you want the Sims people to have sex (either sex together or seperately) you hit the WOOHOO button. its so crazy and fascinating. then i went to bed around 11pm to wake up for 3am only to see as i arrived at work that the schedule changed and i was to arrive for work at 1pm. so i left work and rode my bike back home. arrived covered in sweat and sat in the dark with the light of the tv drinking water. then i showered and passed out on the couch. at about 9:50am i awoke and hung out with the other. we talked. joked. then i went to work and spent a good 7 hours straight on my feet. then i went home, in a rather fowl mood, and now at 10pm i am typing! i got home at a quarter to 8pm. i made a yummy coconut cream pie and washed a few dishes. now slowly working on the ipod again and all in all the night isn't so bad....so far.