KARMA by Alicia Keys

Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore,
And how you need your space, and give the keys back to your door?
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me.
But still you said that love was gone and that I had to leave.

(Now you)
{Talkin' 'bout a family.}
(Now you)
{Sayin' I complete your dream.}
(Now you)
{Sayin' I'm your everything.}
{You're confusing me, what you say to me.}

Don't play with me, don't play with me.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back?

I remember when
I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you
'Til three o'clock in the morn.

And when you came home you'd always had some sorry excuse,
And explainin' to me, like I'm was some kind of a fool.
I sacrificed the things I wanted to do things for you.
But when it's time to do for me, you never come through.

(Now you)
{Wanna be a part of me.}
(Now you)
{Have so much to say to me.}
(Now you)
{Wanna make time for me.}
{What you do to me, you're confusin' me.}

Don't play with me, don't play with me.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back?

I remember when I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you
'Til three o'clock in the morn,
Night after night, knowin' somethin' goin' on.
Wasn't home before I be goin', goin' gone.

Lord knows it wasn't easy, believe me.
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me
And never do what you supposed to do.
No need to hose me, fool, 'cause I'm over you.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Gotta stop tryin' to come back to me.

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
It's called karma, baby,
And it goes around.

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?

restless night part 3.

[music]: here come the sun- the beatles

i'm sitting here while downloading beatles music. its so very nostalgic and just a great band. i'm on a real music kick these days to occupy my time. and i am filling up my ipod at a fast pace. i'm trying to cover up a lot of things that are weighing on my mind. i've been listening to Metallica lately and wearing all black and rocking out. after listening to Metallica, i get this i wanna kick some ass feeling and it gets me a real adrenaline high. like i'm some bad ass chick. when i'm not. not really. i'm a quiet gal who is pensive but silly once you get to know me. sometimes when i listen to music i just get in inside of me like its flowing through my veins and i am one with it. i just want to be part of something real and passionate. i want passion. i want lust. i want someone to find me amazing, esp. from the person that matters the most to me. if others can see it....then why is it ignored?? these and other things are weighing heavily. what am i to do?

the only thing that stays the same is change.

i'm restless again. its hard to be content at a time when you know that in less than 2wks you will be going on vacation away from your normal life. away from EVERYTHING. it will be a nice time to just clear my head after i get well. being sick kinda sucks. there is much to think about these days. i don't know why loyalties have to be so hard to break esp when ones loyalty has been sorely tested and thrown aside and then retested again and then that same process over and over again. why do things have to be so hard??? anyhow...i'm so excited about my vaca. i'm going to Portland for 2 of those days too. yeah!

later.

btw, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR ALL!!! 2006!!!

romance.

i was watching yet another episode of Sex and the City (an almost Tuesday night ritual) and it was so romantic and heartwarming. if i could make love cds for all that have romanced me, either with gestures or promises with words, i would. it isn't fair that i only have one heart to love someone wholly. what if one is loving the person that they know and knows them but they meet someone who could be almost perfect? the guilt would kill me. anyhow, i'm in a sentimental mood now. if you ever watch the episode "i heart ny" then you'll see and know how i feel. or you can check out "moon river" by henry mancini. love, love, love. almost slips away as soon as you catch it.

break your heart.

break your heart/ natalie merchant

People down-cast in despair
See the dis-illusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
It's a little harder everyday

People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
The way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow, self-absorbed
See them push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless, people cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life

You never will let love survive

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
In your own life

And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's gonna choose your side

Oh no...

so i got to go.

i'm turning my back on my past that i wanted to reopen but found too hurtfull to do so. i'm not going to do that anymore. what door is closed needs to stay closed. forever. its over, its done, its my past and in my near future i am nearly happy. for once i am almost 100% happy with life. with love, me and life. its all mine to conquer and share and live up. the girl i was 5-10yrs ago is gone to another place behind a closed door that squeaks when opened. now i will nail it shut like a coffin and bury it under photographs and movies. then i'll burn it all as it burned a hole in my heart. well the fire inside is out and the ashes glow and as i heal from the inside, the fire will soon burn out completely and i'll be the new me. like a phoenix. i'll rise out of the ashes.

where will you run to?

today i finished my 2 Alternative Rock cd's volumes 19 ands 20. i had to something with myself on my sick day. i have extreme cramping going on in my tummy and its causing some funky things to happen and way too personal to share. here at least. i am ok otherwise. tomorrow i go to the doctor and hopefully its just extreme anxiety. we'll see. other than that all is ok. talk to you all soon!

a bientot!

life and holidays.

on wednesday, i got to ride my bike home in the warm rain of a rainy day. i was very happy cos i LOVE the rain. on thursday, i had to work with people who didn't grasp the concept of organization and thus the holiday was turned to a food frenzy and i was going to lose my mind. then as i arrived home, sweaty and tired, i ate a bit of ham only because i was a little turkied out. i called my parents who were entertaining some friends and they seemed a bit too busy to talk. it kinda broke my heart cos i miss them very much during the holidays. then i read a book on Victorian Entertaining while everyone played cards. friday, my old boss N. popped by when i was overly exhausted and a bit irritable. i tried avoiding her but she came over and said some words to me and i said some small words back to her. it made me upset so i treated myself and a coworker to a coffee. and i went home to a great 4-5 hour long conversation. saturday, today, i worked and cleaned out the freezer and cooler at work. i feel really great about accomplishing my work. i rode home, again, rain soaked but feeling great. the wind was warm but the rain was refreshingly cool. i sat down and watched the UK Music Hall of Fame and ate yummy leftovers. all in all, a great close to a day and almost of a work week. does it make sense to be vegan and work in a deli??

being gay.

i have lived daily with the shame of my homosexuality. i am reminded as much when i mention a friends name or when my phone bill lists the numbers to friends i've talked to. i believe that is why i am often down and depressed. i have internalized homophobia. shows like Queer As Folk, the L Word and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy do make me feel less alone, but i am one little gay gal on my own in the vast see of str8 people that are my friends. i often joke that i am the only gay gal i know, but the sad truth is i am. maybe that's why i tend to be highly attracted to someone who is a lesbian when i meet them. everytime it is like i'm a kid in a candy store. i can't stick with the candy i have and i want to devour all that i see. i have to try to find a balance in that world. then the flipside to that is that as a result of my low lesbian acceptance in myself, i am plagued with the shame almost everyday. i long for passion and desire for me. i'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones but i think i'm attractive and silly and smart and passionate. i have a lot to offer a gal and in return i want love and desire and passion. def not a place that conveniently turns into a roommate situation with occasional benefits. i've had a similar version of that in the past. i think that's where my cheating lies. i go to the person that finds me attractive and desireable when all i want is for the person i love and want the most to feel that way about me. is there a medium there?? but i don't want to live that way. i don't want to wonder what will happen and live through this when nothing does happen. i don't want to feel shameful anymore.

fly away.

fly away by poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break
And the earth should shake
As if to say:
Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant
way
As if to say, hey

Fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words
I know that you'd say fly
Fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break
And my hands should shake
As if to say:
Sure it don't matter except in the most important
way
As if to say:

Hey, fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words I know that you'd say
Fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade
And yet still remain
As if to say:
Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say:
It's ok:
Fly Away

where it's at.

i am home on a "sick" day i took. i had a bad headache last night and couldn't sleep all that well. my head is still sore. prob due to all of the dust and pledge spray that i inhaled when we deep cleaned our rooms. a lot of clothes were discarded, a lot. it felt like a great cleansing process. but boy did i sneeze! all day long......

in rather serious news, it is breaking my heart what is going on in France. it saddens me that old friends and family members may be caught up in this barage of stupid violence. i wish people could be compassionate and real and nice. civil and happy and peaceful together. we may be all of diff races, ethnicities and religions and sexual orientation but can't we reach a level where we all understand and know what our needs, wants and desires are? can't we just feel and understand???

its my life.

[music]: my life- dido
[mood]: a bit tired

can i just say how grande life is right now!?! last night wasn't very eventful. i did laundry and hung out watching the other playing the Sims2 game. its funny. when you want the Sims people to have sex (either sex together or seperately) you hit the WOOHOO button. its so crazy and fascinating. then i went to bed around 11pm to wake up for 3am only to see as i arrived at work that the schedule changed and i was to arrive for work at 1pm. so i left work and rode my bike back home. arrived covered in sweat and sat in the dark with the light of the tv drinking water. then i showered and passed out on the couch. at about 9:50am i awoke and hung out with the other. we talked. joked. then i went to work and spent a good 7 hours straight on my feet. then i went home, in a rather fowl mood, and now at 10pm i am typing! i got home at a quarter to 8pm. i made a yummy coconut cream pie and washed a few dishes. now slowly working on the ipod again and all in all the night isn't so bad....so far.

going back everytime.

(left) African penguins in Oahu!
well after last weeks "talk", all is right with the world again. i'm being lazy on this sunday mid afternoon washing clothes and saving up energy to clean the house. i hate being an adult. other than that i've been working my booty off at work and took a "grace matinee", long morning sleeping. i feel better though i wasted half a day. i was thinking quite recently that i'm of this pessimistic attitude that i have adopted. aren't you??

the beginning of an end.

[mood]: blah
[music]: meet me in the dark- melissa etheridge

last nights "talk" was saddening. things have changed a little, enough for me to be perplexed and upset by. i don't know what i'm doing anymore or if i have enough in me to give and feel. i suppose that you can say that for the past few years i have been meandering between happiness and sadness. a rollercoaster ride of emotion of soaring through the air uphill and then dropping just as quickley to a low. i'm joust completely exhausted.

i don't know how i can explain it in a way to show that this is something different and not a feeling that i've really felt. it sounds as if its something that i've felt or lived with already. in a way yes and in a way no. just remember that i used to be such a kick-ass chick and now i have left her in the gutter along with everything i used to be. i know i've changed and what i have left is the me now. love was my answer on why i was here and then laughter followed. i was in disbelief and still am.

don't leave any crazy comments because i am not playing the'woe is me' card. i need to just get this out of my head. i'll be damned either way. but i need to take my chances. whatever the consequence may be i have to be who i am. whomever that is. i am still me deep deep deep down inside.

a bientot.

p.s. the photo is of Waikiki beach. that i took in late september

back in a flash.

here's a quick rundown of what i did and bought in Honolulu, Oaho in the last day and a half:

09/26/05: woke up at 4:40am. arrived at 7am or so, ate breakfast w/ parents at the Hilton Hawaiian Village hotel (which is amazing), went to Waikele to go to the Hawaiian Plantation Village which was also amazing, it showed the diff. ethnicities that came to the islands and their living conditions, etc. afterwards we went to Genki Sushi for lunch, went outlet shopping across the way. i bought: a white Adidas purple stripe track jacket and 2 Adidas logo tshirts, a pair of black Vans and a logo tshirt, a button up cowboy-ish style white shirt with blue flowers from Levi's. after the shopping we drove back to the hotel and chilled. we arrived back, i bought 2 slippah necklace ornaments (my mom's one is pink and mine is black), to a very funky smelling room. my mom complained and we got a new room with a better view (of Waikiki beach) and while they moved i sat at the bar and had a rum and coke. more rum than coke. a soda later we went to the room again and we went downstairs to see the free Hula show. went upstairs and changed for dinner. we went to a japanese restuarant and had sushi, again. after dinner we went back to the room and changed and crashed.

09/27/05: at 7:30am i awoke and we all got ready for breakfast. after breakfast we went to the room and then went onto the Bishop Museum that was connected to the hotel. it showed the history of the Hawaiian people and had the original king's and queen's garments, jewelry and carriage. it was great! then we headed to Ala Moana Shopping Center, 4 levels high. for all you Atlanta, GA folks..imagine Phipps Plaza and Lenox Square meshed into one shopping center. i bought there: a Gap sweater and panties (there was a HUGE 50% off sale!) and Hello Kitty stuff. i am so psyched! then i ate a quick bite at Arby's and went back to the hotel. we left about 3pm to go to the airport and at 3:30pm i went to my gate. there was a long goodbye and i felt sad for leaving my parents. at 4:30pm we boarded and at 5:30pm i was home in Maui. i drove from the airport and got McDonald's. got home and chilled a bit. started laundry and washed dishes and cleaned out some of my bags. i'm a little tired but somewhat happy to be home!

a bientot!

dismantled.

[music]: supersonic- oasis
[mood]: excited and pensive

so in a day or so i am going to Honolulu to visit my parents. i am super, super excited but the real feeling i have right now is extreme fatigue. i've been up since 3am and its 8:45pm or so. i was gonna go to bed but i started redoing my ipod stuff and then i started launndry,etc. sometimes i feel like a housewife. at times an underappreciated one. anyhow...i haven't seen my parents since March of this year when we ventured to the ATL. so its a mini mini vacation for me. 2 days of off island adventure. hopefully the real vacation in January to WA state to visit my parents will do me more good. plus there is a chance that i may visit my friend, C in San Fran before i see my parents.

so the dismantling part is this: i would be so very tempted to move to the mainland after the visits. what do i do?

a bientot!

films.

[music]: FNT- Semisonic

this afternoon, i saw the movie 'God is Great and I Am Not' with the lovely Audrey Tautou. i liked this movie a lot. you should see it. its acomoc tale of a young lady who goes through various religious and spiritual escapades trying to find the meaning of life and trying to find love. be warned that it is a foreign film, French with subtitles.

so in the last few days i have acquired the following goodies: a Puma track jacket, Puma shoes, Adidas shoes, two Puma tees, an Element track jacket, an old Beatles tee, a Coca Cola tee, a few cool print tees, and a Hawaiian Punch tee. i am happy and tired.



a bientot!

jour numero trois.

[music]: in the waiting line- remy zero
Today I had a horrendous day at work. When I got there I learned that my coworker, who was supposed to work half my shift with me, walked out after an argument. I was livid and floored at the same time. Then the small panic attacks started. It subsided and I calmed down and got my stuff done. Luckily it was slow-ish and though busy every minute, I got everything done. I panicked because I was supposed to make three food platters for a customer for 6am tomorrow. The upside was that I closed down about an our early and afterwards did the platters. I got out of work 10 minutes early. So it all pretty much worked out in the end. Now at the end, driving home, I rocked out to some Blondie and felt very rock star-like. Now in a few, I will feast on sushi followed by some cherry garcia ice cream.
An aside to the anonymous commenter…your link didn’t go anywhere but thanks for the good comment!!
Also…I saw the movies: La Repetition and the Boys on 2nd Street Park. The second was better as it was a docu based on a group of kids growing up in Brooklyn. The first was a bit psychotic and strange for a lesbian flick. Who knows…are we all crazy??
A bientot!

day 2.

yesterday i work until 8:30pm and went to an empty, dark house with two kitties waiting on me. bleary eyed and yawning. i drank a smirnoff ice to get me tired beyond belief and then i drank two cups of water and tottered off to bed. not being able to bring myself to darken the entire house, i left the sink light on and the phone. i got a sweet but short phone call before sleep.

at 4am, i awoke for work. 5am led to 9am and i was home. by 9:30am i was asleep on the couch. at 12:30pm my friend Wendy called me and we talked for a bit. then i showered and drove to the Salvation Army, Post Office, Taco Bell, Long's Drugs, Safeway, Borders Express, Blockbuster Video, then to the closed Library, Foodland and Beach Road Records. i got about 7 book, 3 cd's (Natalie Merchant "Tigerlily", Garden State soundtrack, and Lilith Fair), food, a bit of groceries, two videos, stamps and cd case tags. i called my parents, did some cleaning, got a sweeter phone call, washed clothes and cleaned my room. now i am downloading the aforementioned cd's into the ipod. I can't wait until Friday!!

maybe.

[music]: live forever- oasis

where to start....

at work tonight there were a lot of things that aggrivated me, but namely so is the pure STUPIDITY that buzzes around. how did we as a nation have so many stupid idiots around? and the most atrocious fact is that most of these stupid people are the ones who are controlling the USA and have money. i don't get it, not to toot my own horn but speaking as someone who went to college and has traveled around the world a bit, that more people haven't bumped more into things and fallen down. work was a painful reminder of how much of my life i'm wasting working here.

next week i shall be completely alone. this saddens me greatly and i do believe that i will be spending a lot daylight hours in the library or the such. i'll prob hang out with my friends when i am otherwise crying. it'll be hard. i do have an alone issue but such is life.

a bientot!

heart.

hey! this isn't a long message but i wanted to let everyone know that i am alive and well. time sneaks by so fast and here we are in September! i also wanted to say how sorry i am for the people in New Orleans! :( it is such a beautiful city with so much vibrant culture and life. i hope that everyone is ok there.

ok..until next time!

p.s. Mj, i totally agree with you about president shrub!!!!

satellite.

today on the Travel Channel i saw a tv show about college campuses/ towns and i managed to turn onto the channel where UGA (Athens, GA) was shown as a major college town. i was delighted and had a weird desire to see and try to see my friends Mj and her husband Robert in the footage. but sadly they were not shown. :( what they did show was the beautiful funky downtown area and then onto the music scene, the 40 Watt and then onto the football. i was happy. i was there this past March visiting Mj and Robert in the cold, got sick and was no fun. i apologize to the amentioned people. i will be much more fun next time, sick or well. i promise! what i especially loved was the great friends, reading their cool collection of graphic books, the tea, the muffins, the cool art show we went to one grey day and the botanical garden picnic we did. mj and i, for the last few years, always met up at Espresso Royale Cafe. and it hasn't changed. there are always students reading, writing papers.

i've been going to Athens ever since i was about 13 or 14, visiting as i lived well over an hour away. i was entranced by the funky college atmosphere and loved the cool stores and music stores. i remember when i was 18, i saw a penis tattooed outside a tattoo shop downtown and i was kinda creeped out. thats was the time i wanted to get tattooed for the first time. anyhow, those are my fun Athens memories!!! thanks Mj for being an everlasting great friend and for Robert for being a great new friend and a special yo or aloha to Suzanne and Aiden and the cool new peeps i met on my visit!

mine.

well this is a mini update to those who are concerned about me. i am ok as i have been for what seems like forever. i'm still a little blue but now i am more concerned with stress, fatigue and bad back pains. i feel really old. but i am ok. one day i hope and wish to be happy without a little cloud hanging in the background.

i was there.

[music]: i know what kind of love this is- the nields

so in my mind, the relationship has gone from bad to worse. not that there is a concern to be made about yelling, fighting, hitting, etc. its a serene atmostphere. no loud voices, nothing of that nature. in my mind i am irritated and hurt and my whole self has been neglected. intimacy is but a memory. making love is just a memory. i crave that look in her face which she used to give me. but all the keeps playing in my mind is that long ago conversation we had when i was told that she was not gay. thats the answer to all of these tortured questions and thoughts inside my head. i know she isn't like me. she doesn't crave me as i do her. she doesn't do a lot of things that i do.

don't feel bad for me. don't feel anything at all cos its just me venting and nothing needs to come back to me. i am mostly irritated at myself for not leaving years ago. for not standing up sooner and getting what i wanted. i know the logical thing is to go and move and never look back. i think that this has been something i haven't wanted to face or see. the truth. the truth is that this isn't it.

a bientot!

dreaming.

this is a song that I LOVE.

crush by dave matthews band

Crazy how it feels tonight
Crazy how you make it all alright love
Crush me with the things you do
And I do for you anything too, oh
Sitting, smoking, feeling high
And in this moment, ah, it feels so right
Lovely lady, I am at your feet
Oh god i want you so badly
and i wonder this could tomorrow be
so wonderous as you there sleeping
Lets go, drive till, mornin comes
Watch the sunrise, and fill our souls oh
Well drink some, wine till, we get drunk YEAH
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming
Lovely lady
Let me drink you please
Won't spill a drop, no, I promise you
Lying under this spell you cast on me
Each moment
The more I love you
Crush me
Come on, oh yeah
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
Is this real or, oh, am I dreaming
(Boyd's Solo)
Lovely lady
I will treat you sweetly
Adore you I mean you crush me
And it's times like these
When my faith I feel it
I know how I love you
Come on, Come on
Baby
It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
I'm here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
My love
By love
We'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
Each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
Baby
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Oh my love
Meaning I'll hold you
But please please just let me always....

heaven, part 2.

[music]: an unusual kiss- melissa etheridge

so i saw the new movie, "A Very Long Engagment" starring a very cute 1920's Audrey Tautou. the movie itself was a good French movie about a woman during WWI that searches for her fiance. though presumed dead, she searches until the end. you shall have to it to know the ending. its agood movie though with a surprising cameo by Jodie Foster speaking French.

life for me now is going along in an ever yet so slow pace. emotionally i bounce back from happiness to complete misery and somewhere inbetween where i want to cry and cry for days. talk about an unbalanced head.

i did originally think that it was alla period thing, you know like being moody and sensitive, but i don't think it is. its hard to understand but its the pressure of life plus my burning out at work and now emotional strife at home. so much at the same time.

but i am still here. no need to worry.

a bientot!

p.s. see the movie, c'est tres formidable!

running.

[mood]: a little blue and tired
[music]: dilemma- nelly and kelly rowland

i've been really tired lately. its my period and it makes me extra tired but its annoying that along with being sluggish physically and i am emotionally battered and just plain sad. i have to stop from wanting to cry alot. just know without going into too much detail that some heavy shit happend a few nights ago. i am slowly recovering.

worlds on fire.

[mood]: tired and a bit blah
[music]: train wreck- sarah mclachlan

the last 2 days were eventful. on thursday night i watched my friend's son get a tattoo that covered half of his upper arm, got coffee and a fruity frapp at Starbucks, then went back to her place to watch Chocolat and then home. yesterday, friday, we were (me, joan, her son james and mary) originally going to Pa'ia to do some shopping and what not but the plan was foiled. instead we went to the top of Haleakala Crater. about 3 hours of driving, we arrived and the air was so COLD! i'm in my tank and shorts and everyone was in long pants and jackets. it was very beautiful. the thing that i liked the most was how on the way up, one could see the difference in landscape and vegetation. unfortunately the view of the island was covered by white puffy clouds. then about 2 hours back down, we stopped at Krispy Kreme to indulge and then onwards back to out town. we did stop at the grocery store a.k.a. my work, and i got sushi and ice cream. i got home, passed out and three hours later i ate the food. watched some DVD's...DID I MENTION THAT MY FRIEND GAVE ME THE ENTIRE SEX AND THE CITY COLLECTION!?!

today i work and hopefully on Mon. i can do some shopping. btw, i found out that i have to work alone tonight, again. life is just great!?!


http://www.mythicalrealm.com/creatures/phoenix.html#

the first pic of the phoenix is what i want as a tattoo..

a bientot!

work.

[mood]: tired
[music]: the idle hours- floating men

i am embarking on another hellish work-week. i don't have a day off til Thursday and i work alone on Tuesday night and Sunday night. i think my boss is trying to burn me out. between the hours and the bike riding she's accomplishing her task. its a bit much.

well i must go to bed. i'm exhausted and delerious.

a bientot!

la vie.

today i read that the new Harry Potter book sold a record 6.9 million in the first 24 hours. that is so amazingly crazy. i am happy that books have for once outweighed a movie premiere and that children are reading and excited about reading. i alsways have this ongoing arguement that being intellectual is better than being good at sports. that is my opinion. it doesn't make sense that players recieve more money than educators and intellectuals. i think as a whole, people would rather spend money on a sporting event than on a book or anything intellectual for that matter. maybe if it was reversed, we wouldn't have all of these morons running around with most of them in powerful positions.

other than that, everything has been on the hum drum everyday train. i'm kind of bored with it all already, but one must pay the bills. sometimes i think life would be much easier as a cat. i look at them sometimes and envy their existence of sleeping, eating and pooping. such a hard life. i have been quite more tired lately. i don't know why. i think i need to eat more!

family.

this is L2R: mom, me, my aunt rejane, cousin mathieu and

my dad in front; circa March 2004 in France

holiday.

HAPPY BASTILLE DAY!

feeling so real.

[mood]: need you ask
[music]: first cool hive- moby

i watching the movie "Possession" and it was about unconquerable love through letters and a brief encounter set in the 1800's England. i think that it would be so grand to go through life being secretly enamored with someone through letters. how romantic! one can express so much love and passion in words, with the longing anticipation of an answer back. real letters as opposed to emails.

as for the "real" world that i do exist in and not of some romantic fantasy built on romance from over a hundred years ago, i must go to work in an hour and half and it scares me and makes me dread it. it scares me into anxiety attacks because i have to work alone which frightens me but of which i can handle. i dread it because my job is mind numbing and psychologically mind altering in the respect that my boss is a b*tch and now its my turn to get her wrath.

love is great. i am contented with the normality with it but i still do wish for passion. 'i just want a little passion/ to hold me in the dark...' well said tori.

mold(s).

i know that earlier before work it seemed that i was having a pity partly. well maybe i was. i just want someone to want me, need me like i was water and they were thirsty. drink me in. to me its not fair to never have had that real feeling. someone loving and wanting me and me loving and wanting them. its always been so mismatched. usually i am the one who wants and loves. its like a drug this euphoric feeling of love and lust and sweat and kisses. it could be as simple as holding hands, watching a sunset or visiting me at work and giving me a quick kiss. in my life right now, that would never ever happen. i miss all the instense passion. does it ever come back and how do you help it come back??

this is what i think about music!

one.

i was watching a show in HBO, I think, called Same Sex America and it was a docu on the events leading up to Same Sex marriange in Mass. i am so thrilled that there is at least some recognition of gay/lesbian relationships in this country. and i was the point of tears when i saw the various couples getting married. it was so cute. now the thing that makes me sad is in my life right now is that i will never have that at this point in my life. i know i should be happy with what i have, like being understood, loving someone deeply, laughing, etc. but i want so much more. i want someone to look at me and have me be the one and only for them. i want someone who can't keep their eyes/ hands off of me and tells me that i'm the one. i want that so much. i'm afraid that i'll never be someone's "one".

i know who you really are.

[mood]: blah, i have work in about 1hr 15 min
[music]: misfit- the murmurs

i don't really have a true purpose in what i'm going to write or what my theme is. sometimes though when you talk to someone about gender roles and issues and then you sit and think on your own, it can turn everything upside down. it always amazes me when i talk to someone with a brain and we can have a real conversation. i'm also always amazed when i see lesbians out and about with their gf's. i think its cute. it draws me in. it;s not so much fun when you're partly closeted. it sucks. la vie est terrible apres ca!

i'm kinda lost when i don't know how to think or what i mean. i am walking around numb and disappointed towards a a mindless existence. i know i could somehow pull myself out of this mess and change. but how do i do that to begin with? and if i do, do that then how to i escape the wrath that awaits me at home??

til now i always got by on my own.

[mood]: ok, nothing extraordinary
[music]: may this be love- jimi hendrix

i spent an uneventful 4th o' July yesterday. i almost wrote the last but in French, as we call "franglais" lol. anyhow.. i am delirious from being up so long, since 4am this morning. i worked a slow but emotionally nervous day. i was left at my station in the deli for 6 1/2 hours alone instead of 4. good thing it was slow though. i would have freaked out more than i did. the semi-good news is that i may be transfering to the bakery department. nothing is in the books yet. but there will be a few changes soon.

as for now, i am working on a Smashing Pumpkin cd. another music endeavor! i don't know what it is but early 90's alt rock makes me feel so happy and fuzzy inside. i should be working on compilation cd's for various friends but i'm too tired and lazy. making new/old cd's are fun. but i shall work on it soon. I PROMISE!

wish my luck on my job, love, life and writing issues!

au revoir!

4th of July

while we are all celebrating the birth of a nation some 229 years ago, here are some interesting facts:

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty—“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”—was written in 1883 by Emma Lazarus, a well-known poet who ran with socialists. She openly supported the single-tax program of Henry George. Leading British socialist William Morris was her close friend. Lazarus believed in the American Dream, but she wrote the words on the Statue of Liberty to emphasize that this country should be available to even the most oppressed of the world’s people. Especially to them.

.Francis Bellamy of Boston wrote the Pledge of Allegiance in 1892, but he was more famous for delivering controversial sermons portraying Jesus Christ as a socialist. The Pledge was part of a magazine campaign to promote the use of U.S. flags in public schools in celebration of the 400th anniversary of Columbus’ discovery of America. But the Pledge was also a defiant document, asserting the country’s core moral values—“one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”—during an era when capitalism’s individualism begat the greed of the robber barons and the exploitation of the working class.

The lyrics to “America the Beautiful” were composed by progressive poet Katharine Lee Bates, a lesbian who had a decades-long, live-in relationship with economist Katharine Coman. Both women were professors at Wellesley College, outside Boston, and both were active in reform movements involving workers’ rights, the inner-city poor and women’s right to vote. The book that presented the lyrics was called America the Beautiful and Other Poems, and those “other poems” included several that excoriated the United States for its imperialistic policies in the Philippines. In that context, the closing words of the poem take on the tone of strong moral resolution: “And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea.”

so please don't take for granted what we have as a "free" nation. let us relish in the fact that we have freedom of speech, expression, religion and thought. but let's not forget that Big Brother is still watching over us.

Take back the flag! Because it’s the liberals, and not the conservatives, who truly love America.
all courtesy (except non-italicized text) of MauiTime Weekley

change my mind.

[mood]: ok but kinda lazy
[music]: never my love- the association

so the run down of the last week was this, me doing most if not all of the work at work. 4-5 days of working and closing alone is not great. if some individuals would actually show up then that would be a grand thing! work just suck anyhow. i was ready to quit numerous times this week. people at work seriously need to back off.

today i woke up early, 9:30am (that's early for me), and dropped my bike off to get it repaired and i went to the library and went back to pick up my bike, all in an hour period. and let me just say that people here do not know how to drive! it's so irritating. then i lounged about and fell asleep. well its my day off so there.

i'm kinda of a dorky, boring, low-key person these days.

health.

[mood]: ok
[music]: bad reputation- joan jett

here is my health update, i am fully 100% healthy. i don't have any funky things swimming around in my body. but the only thing is that me anemia is meanadering between perfect iron count and less than. so there is...

more laters.

social silence.

this is about the poem, below, by Sarah Jones that i heard on the show, Art and Outrage on TRIO tonight. it is banned due to a its controversial nature...read the portion below...

BACKGROUND INFO: The FCC proposed a $7,000 fine against non commercial kboo-fm in Portland, OR for broadcasting the song "Your Revolution" which the commission says contains "unmistakable patently offensive sexual references."Kboo-fm counters that its mission is to provide a forum for "unpopular, controversial neglected perspective," and that "Your Revolution" is "a feminist attack on attempts to equate political revolution with promiscuous sex" - the opening lyric is, "Your revolution will not happen between these thighs" - and thus is not indecent. The FCC rejected that argument and has given kboo-fm 30 days to respond.
The move has, of course, forced other non commercial and otherwise progressive radio broadcasters to ban their programmers from playing the song. Thus, permanently silencing one of the most important feminist hip hop songs of the last decade from ever reaching fm listeners. This is a heavy-handed blow from the FCC against the First Ammendment rights of the citizens of the United States, positive Hip Hop artists, and anyone striving for increased equality for women in this country or worldwide.

i don't really know what entitles people the right to say what is decent or not. that these so-called religious and right-wing people are so convinced that they have the right to decide for others. none of these groups are saints nor are they free of skeletons. religious groups have been condemned with child sexual abuse and molestation and of money laundering. right-wingers are condemned with issues as money laundering, illegal activities and just for being stupid moron bigots. how are these people supposed to be the moral leaders if they themselves connot live by what they say?

also on the sam show, they were doing a story on a play called Corpus Christi (according to the Post, would recount the life of Jesus from a gay perspective-and Jesus would have sex with his apostles!) that was on its way of being banned. an image that was shown was of a heavily-bulit man carrying a sign that said, GAY- G: Got, A: AIDS, Y: Yet? this really really really irked me. i've gotten past the dyke and fag thing a bit but who are these people to decide for everyone or to say what is right or wrong. are we not in a free nation where we are allowed to be free thinkers in a free society? what is up with all of this? this goes beyond, can't we just get along, or tolerate. i tolerate the stupid half of the population that happens to always come to the place i work. even the bigoted and rude and mean and cursing jerks and the snobs. this all enrages me.

your revolution.

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cool on your island.

[mood]: i'm about to go to work, need i say more!?!
[music]: world on fire- sarah mclachlan

thank god i have a day off tomorrow! last night i closed by myself cos the new girl had a sick baby. i wasn't too irritated. i'm not exactly thrilled either. i know for sure that sunday i will have to do the same since i'm scheduled to. i need a new job. i keep saying that though. i need a new life altogether.

on the health issue, i find out on monday if i'm severly sick or not. its kinda frightening but i'll have to deal with whatever it is. i try to live one day at a time. i am scared that one day all of my sleeping around i did in high school and college will come back to haunt me. well it partly did when i was 20. well the truth of the matter is that when i was 20, i got pregnant and after a few scared months i got an abortion. i didn't do this half-heartedly. i still think about the regretable things i did. i wonder what an almost 6yr old child of mine would look like. every year i think about it. but i was only 20 and the father was off doing his own thing with another chick and i was broke. so i did what i knew how do to at the time. i regret it. no more unprotected sex for me as well as sleeping with boys.

well....later.

cool.

[mood]: ok but loathing work :(
[music]: smooth- santana ft. rob thomas

i am a bit worried about the results on Monday but i will post it when i know, no matter how painful it may turn out to be. let's hope for the best. if it is the worst, then hopefully it will kick me in the ass to write something great so that a piece of me will live on. but as far as i know i'm still alive.

work is still yuck. there is this new girl that i'm working with who i suspect is gay though i think that she's trying to be closeted about it. i remember those days. even though i'm still kind of there. it sucks to not be 100% of who you are and what you are. you would be a lot happier for it.

well i must get ready to leave soon. more tonight....

as the rush comes.

[mood]: sluggish but hopeful

i went to the doctor yesterday and told of my "problems" and was told to have some blood tests done, so i did that this earlier today. i'm still feeling a little weak-ish after having 4 viles o' blood taken. thank god i can't give blood anymore, though i wish i could cos i have rare blood. other than that i shall have to see how i am by Monday!

in other news...its hot as hell here and very humid. reminds me of Georgia summers that i don't miss to very much. there is a reason why i am still pale after living here for 5yrs.! i don't like sun nor the sweat or sand. i wouldn't mind a nice shaded pool area but not hot beach! plus i give the excuse that i still want to look young-ish when i'm older. alot of people here overtan and have thus turned their skin to a brownish, redish leather-like material. not to mention all the wrinkles. GROSS!

all is well so far. love to all!!

ipod! ipod! ra ra ra

[mood]: very tired and dizzi-ish
[music]: eternal falme- the bangles

today i only worked for about 2 hours when i sent myself home due to almost passing out work. it was hot and i was feeling strange and my legs were wobbly. i knew i could stay so i went home. but mind you, i had to bike ride home almost a mile and partway up a hill. i nearly passed out when i got home. i sat in my chair for a few hours drinking water. but i can't decide if i am ok enough to work tomorrow. we'll see when i awaken.

other than that...all is ok. i looked up a bunch o' lesbian blogs and found interesting ones. should be an exciting read!

laundry duty.

[mood]: tired and again insightful
[music]: emotions- destiny's child

work was very long today though it was only 7 1/2 hours long. but without any kind of break and silence. i am so exhausted again. and the bad thing is that i don't have a day off until Wed. and today is Friday!!?! tired tired tired. i hope that after laundry tonight that i will be able to chill....

he is a thought i had a few hours ago when i was unlocking my bike at work...: imagine a southern belle with a deep sexy southern accent starting a sentence by saying, it was a dark sultry night...

it is so hot and humid. it reminded me of the summer nights in Georgia. after my trip there, i have finally concluded that you juts can't go back to your past. you can't ever go back.

insightful.

i am feeling quite insightful today as last night i wrote a little bit. its not to say that i have a lot to think about or weighing on my mind. i really don't. well...maybe what direction my life should take and questionning all of that. but it isn't. the only thing that i do dread is going to work everyday. yuck! i do not look at my job favorably or living here for thatm matter. but that's my life. i know that i can change it all. but its a lot more complicated that juts packing up my things and leaving. i can't just walk through the door and close it a if nothing has happened for the last 5 yrs.

plus, i honestly do have to say that my head hasn't been right since the accident last July. i can't place my finger on it but nothing's made complete sense to me. not to mention the hardcore bouts of depression that's been popping in and out of life. its been a crazy year. i'm still trying to figure it out if i'm better for it.

later.

journals.

does anyone know how to make journals, and could give me a clue on what materials one uses on them?? Thanks!!

i would do anything.

[mood]: very tired

i have to go to work in a few hours and its quite pointless considering that it'll be a 3 1/2 to 4 hour shift. then i awaken at 6:30am for work and then go to PRIDE afterwards. i am so exhausted. i don't really want to go but i have a feeling that i would regret it if i didn't. i suppose i'll see how i feel tonight.

in other news, i am flip-flopping between the books, "Writing New York" and "Girls Will Be Girls" and "Women of the Beat Generation". i've read the middle one before. its good. the other two are newbies to my collection.

ok...enough for now.

me, few weeks ago 

another new thing.

i have opened this up as a new thing to start fresh and anew. enjoy for new updates!