11.18.2005
being gay.
i have lived daily with the shame of my homosexuality. i am reminded as much when i mention a friends name or when my phone bill lists the numbers to friends i've talked to. i believe that is why i am often down and depressed. i have internalized homophobia. shows like Queer As Folk, the L Word and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy do make me feel less alone, but i am one little gay gal on my own in the vast see of str8 people that are my friends. i often joke that i am the only gay gal i know, but the sad truth is i am. maybe that's why i tend to be highly attracted to someone who is a lesbian when i meet them. everytime it is like i'm a kid in a candy store. i can't stick with the candy i have and i want to devour all that i see. i have to try to find a balance in that world. then the flipside to that is that as a result of my low lesbian acceptance in myself, i am plagued with the shame almost everyday. i long for passion and desire for me. i'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones but i think i'm attractive and silly and smart and passionate. i have a lot to offer a gal and in return i want love and desire and passion. def not a place that conveniently turns into a roommate situation with occasional benefits. i've had a similar version of that in the past. i think that's where my cheating lies. i go to the person that finds me attractive and desireable when all i want is for the person i love and want the most to feel that way about me. is there a medium there?? but i don't want to live that way. i don't want to wonder what will happen and live through this when nothing does happen. i don't want to feel shameful anymore.
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I felt this isolation for so long. I was so scared to accept my own sexuality, and only did so really once I had met other gay people (but I was pretending to be straight!). Once I was comfortable with them and realised they were lovely (blame my Roman Catholic education that I never thought gay people would be lovely until I met many!), I came out too and within that very supportive gay community I really discovered myself and began to love my lesbian self :-)
It all sounds corny but it was so important to me.
It is harder when you don't have other gay people around. Do you find any comfort from 'knowing' any gay people online? Through blogs or message boards or anything? Is there any way you could try to meet other gay people in your real life, like local groups or anything?
I don't want to sound preachy, I just really feel for you as you sound so miserable and alone.
I love that I'm a lesbian, I really do. But the time it took for me to get to that place was really, really painful.
I hope you can get there too, cos women-loving-women are great, if I do say so myself ;)
Thinking of you,
hippie xx
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