bad to worse.

i had a HORRENDOUS day today. all was ok until i was about to leave to go home and then i got written up and suspended on some stupid and untrue accusations. they are not true. but i am suspended until further notice. so i'm mad, sad and feel like sh*t. only to make matters worse, i just saw that i had dropped my dayplanner in the library slot after the write up incident. i guess i was so POed that i dropped EVERYTHING into the slot. which at the time i was wondering why my backpack was extremely light. but i wanted to go home. so i'm worried cos my LIFE is in that. my addresses and the such. i hope its there. so that means i have to go there tomorrow to pick up my stuff. can anything else bad happen??

a busy week.

[fever]- ella fitzgerald

ok so this week was a busy one. the sunday before yesterday i painted a bedroom, then there was work and more work. on wednesday there were the Grammy's with a KICK-ASS performance by the great Madonna (i am now hooked on her new album). Thursday i went home early due to a bad migraine at work and made about 3 cd's. Friday was the day of fun, Olympic Ceremony time! i cried again as the athlete shuffled past the spectators and when i saw N. and S. Korea march as one i lost it (again!). Saturday was work and so was Sunday. Sunday night i went shopping for a few clothing items mainly Billabong tshirts for the faux surfer in me. then today i slept (i've been sleeping a lot lately, which isn't normal for me) a few hours and then watched some tv, started laundry and cleaning out my closet and drawers. then tomorrow i work and start another work week!

fun trivia fact: the t-shirt (as we know it today) was first popularized during WWI and then WWII. in the 1950's it became a cultural phenomenom by the likes of Marlon Brando and James Dean. for women, it was popularized in the 1960's during the "sexual revolution". t-shirts were made for the Navy dept. but then in the 1930's companies such as Sears, Hanes and Fruit of the Loom made the shirts.

truths.

ok so i am not officially moving as of yet or anytime soon. instead i have traded in a plane ticket and a moving truck for a car (in the near future) and going to MCC in the fall. maybe i'll be that sexy librarian that everyone imgines me to be. or at least the one that i imagine. with all of that out of the way, i'd like to say that i am starting on a project of painting my apartment (with help) starting this monday. the color schemes are cream color in the living area and halls and kitchen and then in the bedrooms and bathroom a nice light jade green color. hopefully if this doesn;t prove to be disasterous pictures will be forthcoming! other than that i am doing ok. i've felt a bit emotionally unbalanced for a bit but i think i'm ok now. i love you all!!

a bientot!

dream on.

i'm getting closer and closer to realizing my want. but also closer to hurting someone that needs me but not necessarily wants me. i feel bad for hurting someone, i don't like hurting people but i have to do this or else i'll be stuck in this hell of an island. i hate it here and loathe that i have to work where i do. i need some wide open spaces. i liked the feel of the crisp cold air against my face. its cold but a great change from 80* everyday. someone has to get hurt no matter how i cushion it with words.

and we also went to a Native American Museum/ Cultural Center in Pendleton, Ore today. it was so beautiful and sad. visit it here: http://www.umatilla.nsn.us/ they are the Umatilla, Walla Walla and Cayuse tribes that live on the reservation.

1893.

this week in WA has been quite magical. my dad and i did a lot of driving around the countryside with rolling hills in cold 40* weather. the light and dark landscapes were like a painting with the sun shining through the clouds. i saw many a farm, some small with horses and some big with horses and cows, bulls, etc. i also so some deers, wild turkeys, plenty of dogs, chickens and cranes. it was so nice to get back to nature. i saw the Columbia and Snake Rivers winding through the coutryside. i visited two colleges, saw 2 bookstores, was driven for hours, ate 3 square meals a day with almost no caffeine and felt slightly sluggish, walked atop the Whitman Mission Memorial and had a fantastic view of the snow-capped mountains and rolling hills.

then it happened. my parents saw a small farm house they want to buy that dates from 1893, original house, and i fell in love with WA state. i believe that 2006 is my year!

freeway by linda perry

Can you see me
In the garden
Watering flowers all night long

Taking care of what you neglected
And I do it with a happy song

Can you feel your guardian angel
Guiding you so patiently
And you wonder if you're in heaven
‘cause you move so gracefully

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we ride, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion
To be free
Of everything

With my friends, sitting around drinking
Talking about how life is much too long
How some days everything's just so right
And the next day everything just seems so wrong

Laughing while complaining
But having a good time
it didn't really matter

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

At two O'Clock in the morning
The lights go on
It's time for us to go

And the last thing I can remember,
Was an angel guiding us right through the door
Yeah, Yeah

Laughing while complaining
But having a good time
it didn't really matter
it really doesn't matter

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

Didn't we knowDidn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we ride, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion

Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we run down the freeway
Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
How time it seems to stop
Outside our window

And we run, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion
To be free, Of everything
Of everything, Yeah

ordinary people by john legend

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehave
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go(hey)
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
(Heyyy) We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow take it sloww take it slow this time we'll take it slow take

leaving on a jet plane.

today is the day that i start my vaca. i'm excited with butterflies in my tummy and am all packed and all i have to do is shower and dress and head out the door. last night was an amazing night....i felt so disconnected for so long and it was just nice. not to say that the same old problems don't exist. they are still there. but it was a great way to start my vacation. it'll be a nice i'm-freezing-my-ass-off change. i will update from time to time while away. wish me luck on my trip!!

where do i begin.

i'm almost finished with my alice in chains cd compilation. next is black sabbath. now i can listen to some heavy music while i sort out my distressing life. boredom mixed with no passion. feel empty inside. i need to fill myself with sunlight and warmth. not this eternal winter of cold steel. i know that the best has been given. i can't ask for anymore than what i have. i can't give anymore that what i've given. i'm completely empty and bone dry. so how do i pick up the pieces to move? i think i will check out therapy. it really couldn't hurt. maybe it'll revive the girl inside of me, of who i used to be. maybe i'll come out of this. or maybe i'm too damaged to fix. all of these maybe babies. i know that this vacation that starts in about 4 days will do me a world of good. i just have to focus on that while i work for the next three days at my horrid job. wish me luck.

KARMA by Alicia Keys

Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore,
And how you need your space, and give the keys back to your door?
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me.
But still you said that love was gone and that I had to leave.

(Now you)
{Talkin' 'bout a family.}
(Now you)
{Sayin' I complete your dream.}
(Now you)
{Sayin' I'm your everything.}
{You're confusing me, what you say to me.}

Don't play with me, don't play with me.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back?

I remember when
I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you
'Til three o'clock in the morn.

And when you came home you'd always had some sorry excuse,
And explainin' to me, like I'm was some kind of a fool.
I sacrificed the things I wanted to do things for you.
But when it's time to do for me, you never come through.

(Now you)
{Wanna be a part of me.}
(Now you)
{Have so much to say to me.}
(Now you)
{Wanna make time for me.}
{What you do to me, you're confusin' me.}

Don't play with me, don't play with me.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back?

I remember when I was sittin' home alone,
Waitin' for you
'Til three o'clock in the morn,
Night after night, knowin' somethin' goin' on.
Wasn't home before I be goin', goin' gone.

Lord knows it wasn't easy, believe me.
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me
And never do what you supposed to do.
No need to hose me, fool, 'cause I'm over you.

'Cause

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?
(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Gotta stop tryin' to come back to me.

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
It's called karma, baby,
And it goes around.

(What goes around comes around;
What goes up must come down.)
Now who's cryin,' desirin' to come back to me?

restless night part 3.

[music]: here come the sun- the beatles

i'm sitting here while downloading beatles music. its so very nostalgic and just a great band. i'm on a real music kick these days to occupy my time. and i am filling up my ipod at a fast pace. i'm trying to cover up a lot of things that are weighing on my mind. i've been listening to Metallica lately and wearing all black and rocking out. after listening to Metallica, i get this i wanna kick some ass feeling and it gets me a real adrenaline high. like i'm some bad ass chick. when i'm not. not really. i'm a quiet gal who is pensive but silly once you get to know me. sometimes when i listen to music i just get in inside of me like its flowing through my veins and i am one with it. i just want to be part of something real and passionate. i want passion. i want lust. i want someone to find me amazing, esp. from the person that matters the most to me. if others can see it....then why is it ignored?? these and other things are weighing heavily. what am i to do?

the only thing that stays the same is change.

i'm restless again. its hard to be content at a time when you know that in less than 2wks you will be going on vacation away from your normal life. away from EVERYTHING. it will be a nice time to just clear my head after i get well. being sick kinda sucks. there is much to think about these days. i don't know why loyalties have to be so hard to break esp when ones loyalty has been sorely tested and thrown aside and then retested again and then that same process over and over again. why do things have to be so hard??? anyhow...i'm so excited about my vaca. i'm going to Portland for 2 of those days too. yeah!

later.

btw, HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR ALL!!! 2006!!!

romance.

i was watching yet another episode of Sex and the City (an almost Tuesday night ritual) and it was so romantic and heartwarming. if i could make love cds for all that have romanced me, either with gestures or promises with words, i would. it isn't fair that i only have one heart to love someone wholly. what if one is loving the person that they know and knows them but they meet someone who could be almost perfect? the guilt would kill me. anyhow, i'm in a sentimental mood now. if you ever watch the episode "i heart ny" then you'll see and know how i feel. or you can check out "moon river" by henry mancini. love, love, love. almost slips away as soon as you catch it.

break your heart.

break your heart/ natalie merchant

People down-cast in despair
See the dis-illusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
It's a little harder everyday

People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their life
The trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
The way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow, self-absorbed
See them push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless, people cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life

You never will let love survive

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
In your own life

And don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think everybody's gonna choose your side

Oh no...

so i got to go.

i'm turning my back on my past that i wanted to reopen but found too hurtfull to do so. i'm not going to do that anymore. what door is closed needs to stay closed. forever. its over, its done, its my past and in my near future i am nearly happy. for once i am almost 100% happy with life. with love, me and life. its all mine to conquer and share and live up. the girl i was 5-10yrs ago is gone to another place behind a closed door that squeaks when opened. now i will nail it shut like a coffin and bury it under photographs and movies. then i'll burn it all as it burned a hole in my heart. well the fire inside is out and the ashes glow and as i heal from the inside, the fire will soon burn out completely and i'll be the new me. like a phoenix. i'll rise out of the ashes.

where will you run to?

today i finished my 2 Alternative Rock cd's volumes 19 ands 20. i had to something with myself on my sick day. i have extreme cramping going on in my tummy and its causing some funky things to happen and way too personal to share. here at least. i am ok otherwise. tomorrow i go to the doctor and hopefully its just extreme anxiety. we'll see. other than that all is ok. talk to you all soon!

a bientot!

life and holidays.

on wednesday, i got to ride my bike home in the warm rain of a rainy day. i was very happy cos i LOVE the rain. on thursday, i had to work with people who didn't grasp the concept of organization and thus the holiday was turned to a food frenzy and i was going to lose my mind. then as i arrived home, sweaty and tired, i ate a bit of ham only because i was a little turkied out. i called my parents who were entertaining some friends and they seemed a bit too busy to talk. it kinda broke my heart cos i miss them very much during the holidays. then i read a book on Victorian Entertaining while everyone played cards. friday, my old boss N. popped by when i was overly exhausted and a bit irritable. i tried avoiding her but she came over and said some words to me and i said some small words back to her. it made me upset so i treated myself and a coworker to a coffee. and i went home to a great 4-5 hour long conversation. saturday, today, i worked and cleaned out the freezer and cooler at work. i feel really great about accomplishing my work. i rode home, again, rain soaked but feeling great. the wind was warm but the rain was refreshingly cool. i sat down and watched the UK Music Hall of Fame and ate yummy leftovers. all in all, a great close to a day and almost of a work week. does it make sense to be vegan and work in a deli??

being gay.

i have lived daily with the shame of my homosexuality. i am reminded as much when i mention a friends name or when my phone bill lists the numbers to friends i've talked to. i believe that is why i am often down and depressed. i have internalized homophobia. shows like Queer As Folk, the L Word and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy do make me feel less alone, but i am one little gay gal on my own in the vast see of str8 people that are my friends. i often joke that i am the only gay gal i know, but the sad truth is i am. maybe that's why i tend to be highly attracted to someone who is a lesbian when i meet them. everytime it is like i'm a kid in a candy store. i can't stick with the candy i have and i want to devour all that i see. i have to try to find a balance in that world. then the flipside to that is that as a result of my low lesbian acceptance in myself, i am plagued with the shame almost everyday. i long for passion and desire for me. i'm not Catherine Zeta-Jones but i think i'm attractive and silly and smart and passionate. i have a lot to offer a gal and in return i want love and desire and passion. def not a place that conveniently turns into a roommate situation with occasional benefits. i've had a similar version of that in the past. i think that's where my cheating lies. i go to the person that finds me attractive and desireable when all i want is for the person i love and want the most to feel that way about me. is there a medium there?? but i don't want to live that way. i don't want to wonder what will happen and live through this when nothing does happen. i don't want to feel shameful anymore.

fly away.

fly away by poe

It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break
And the earth should shake
As if to say:
Sure it all matters but in such an unimportant
way
As if to say, hey

Fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words
I know that you'd say fly
Fly away

It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break
And my hands should shake
As if to say:
Sure it don't matter except in the most important
way
As if to say:

Hey, fly away
Sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird
If you knew the words I know that you'd say
Fly, fly away

It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade
And yet still remain
As if to say:
Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say:
It's ok:
Fly Away