epidemic.

today i watched the movie, "After Stonewall", which documents the happenings and history of the Gay and Lesbian movement from 1970's til now. of course alot of it has to do with the AIDS epidemic and it makes me sad. it makes me think of my uncle who is infected and how he is dealing with it. he's had it since i was in 7th grade, at 13, and now i'm 27. he's still alive and has a family. i just think how scary it must be to live with something that will eventually kill you. i also think about the many unknown people in the world who have dies from it and are infected.

for all of the hetero, gay men and lesbian women: please use protection when having sex. 10 seconds of pleasure isn't worth dying for! and if you are infected, don't be ashamed but instead be vocal!! silence = death

i know i am but a small blog that a handfull of people read, but hopefully the ones that do read this may be more aware!

poem.

Passing by Judith Barrington

Light-fingered wind teases our bare skin
as we stride with an easy rhythm

for two good miles, breasting the hill
in shorts, socks and dusty boots

between salmon-pink ponderosas
crusty bark, etched with black.

At an unexpected bend in the trail
we stop, face to face with strangers-

the woman in front, shielding him
from our bare breasts and clumsiness.

In the blazing sun, the red bandanna
drags over my eyes, the hasty shirt

catches my sunglasses; i blush;
i curse, needing to pass.

The shirtless man mumbles
close to me on the foot-wide trail

and i cover my sweaty breasts-
blushing and cursing and passing.

this song has been in my head and in my heart. thinking about my parents farm in rural WA makes me want to claim the open land and the open sky.

Home on the Range, sung by Tori Amos

(Home, home on the range)
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Oh, give me a land where the bright diamond sand
Flows lazily down the stream
Where the graceful white swan goes a gliding along
Like a maid in a heavenly dream.

Home home on the range
Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day...

just remember i love you.

i see all around me people with full lives. not necessarily productive but full and busy. i keep waiting to start mine, at 27. i do nothing real with my time. today i made stationary, but thats about it. i move from one little project obsession to another. plus there are my correspondances from varied US locations. but those are fleeting things. i don't have a concrete day to day thing. like my dad said, he would be miserable if he had my life. i am but masking it quite well. i work, come home and watch tv and putter online, eat, watch the Godfather video game being played and then pass out. thats almost daily. yikes!

str8 friends, gay woman.

i have somewhat of a dilemna. all of my friends are str8 and i'm gay. now its not like i don't love, appreciate and like my str8 friends. its just that sometimes its hard for me to wholeheartedly relate to their lives and them to mine. mostly to mine.

now with lesbians things get a bit tricky. i have a small few that live mostly on the mainland (that's the NorthAmerican continent to the rest of you) scattered about. but basically none here in HI. perhaps what i crave the most is just contact and the easiness of talking and relating to a fellow lesbian. where is everyone?? i know that there are some here in Maui. but they are scattered about as well and dramatic. ask about Pride 2004 for details. still it isn't easy when i need occasional reassurance to be proud of who i am.

i am proud in my own gayness. i just wish to not feel so alone nor the only gay woman i know.

my favorite poem.

The Narrows by Jim Carroll

That is the way you are, always given
to silence. so I don’t care anymore
about these green leaves in my carpet
about the death of an historical figure
about your voice.

you were thinking about a red curtain
that we might hide behind. I was
thinking about the freedom of your shadow,
last night, when this livid sky unfolded
its vault of a thousand swords and the air
we were breathing seemed our own.

I’m glad that you’re able to breathe
I’m glad that you’re able to distinguish me
from the lights along the thruway.
I mean don’t both of us illuminate
the direction which you are taking?
and don’t both weep nervously above
the moist pavement where you move.

I’d like to watch myself holding you
above the cool shore of something really vast
like a vast sea, or ocean.
and when I was through watching
I’d become someone else, seducing the heavy
waters, allowing nothing to change.
as the sands are changing and night comes
and we’re not aware of all this endlessness,
which is springing up like The Moonlight Sonata
ascending from the glare of a thousand frightened moans.

fire.

tonights sunset was like this. to me it reminds me of volcanic lava spilling into the sky. the colors here are so amazing!

ok so i've just begin to realize after much self-loathing that i am a sad little gal. perfectly goth without the makeup and dark drab. goth is spirit. i need to remedy this situation.

the whole truth.

well the absolute truth is that the rape does still bother me and raises a lot of questions. like am i really gay or am i gay because i am afraid of men. i am but only in the attacking thing. i think i am gay cos i LOVE women but i wish that i had discovered that part of me a long, long time ago. its all a confusing mess. but it does blur my view of sexuality. i see it as forceful and nonfeeling and of dealing with the mechanics of the body. love, sensuality doesn't enter my mind when i picture sex or making love. to me a full loving relationship, in my mind and not in reality, doesn't include sex. i can't put the two in the same picture. sex in a way in brutality.

the absolute truth.

in the last few days i have encountered a lot of news about rape and sexual abuse and shows like Law and Order: SVU (special victims unit) take real stories and fictionalize them. what i'm trying to relay is that this world is becoming quite predatory towards the sexes. mostly women as 80% of people who are victimized.

i am 27 now in 2006. in 1993 when i was 14 i was raped on vacation. now i will keep the sordid details to myself. now some 13 yrs later and quite a few sexual encounters later (that i will also keep to myself) i have come to the realization that i am still realing from my "experience". i'll never quite get over it for it has turned me into the sexually free person that i am. sexually free does not mean i'm a whore. its just that i'm liberated in my thinking. i'm not one to judge about other people's sexual practices. the rape and possible childhood molestation (i have flashbacks but i can't put the whole story together) has shaped the way i look at my own sexuality. i used to have this rape fantasy in my head for when and how i would have sex again. forced. painfull. psychologically i can disconnect myself from the act and the person.

in high school i did fall into the promiscuity pool but a few loving relationships later, i have learned to give of myself through emotion and spiritual depth instead of sexually. i suppose the things we are exposed to in our past never really leaves you. this will forever be my demon. it may possess me or lay dormant, but it will always be there.

i do not ask for sympathy or words of consulation from anyone. this isn't a pity party and i don't need anyone to feel bad for me. this is what happened a very long time ago and it is a part of who i am. it doesn't make it ok. but it is what it is.

thank you for letting me share this.

disturbances.

last night about 12am i heard some shouting in my neighborhood which is usually quiet and peaceful. i walked to the bottom of my driveway and saw 3 people. a man was threatening to kill this other man because he supposely slept with the wife. there was some pushing and then the husband pushed his wife down and i dialed 911. the police patroled the the street and then about 15 minutes later they booked it through my neighborhood with sirens and everything. i hope everything worked out ok.

now my asshole of a landlord is putting in blinds in my apartment and in the meanwhile he is looking through our cabinets and drawers for a knife and then using my windex. when i asked him if the windex was his he stopped and said no and then i told hime how rude it was for him to go through my things. he tried in a lame-ass way to justify it but i squashed it. i think its rude for people to just go through another person's things. am i wrong??

i don't get people who have no manners or common descency.

out there by the blake babies

You drive around aimlessly.
Don’t know what you hope to see.
You know it’s stupid.

I see you when I pass you by.
I’m afraid to meet your eye.
I know it’s stupid.

You have a voice, you have a phone,
But you’re usually alone.
You know it’s stupid.
I have a body and a brain,
But I turn them off again...again.
I know it’s stupid.

There’s nothin’ to do.I
t’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where,
But I know it’s out there.
It must be out there somewhere.
I’m gonna leave this place.
Gonna’ leave this life of waste.
Gonna’ put on a new face.

Where was I before?
I’m not there anymore.
Went away and tried to come back.
Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

There’s nothin’ to do.
It’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where,
But I know it’s out there.
It must be out there somewhere.

There’s nothin’ to do.
It’s so hard to talk to you
And people never do what they want to.
I don’t know what and I don’t know where.
There’s nothing out there.
It’s not out there anywhere.
I’m gonna’ leave this town.
Gonna’ leave it like I found it.
Gonna’ turn myself around.

bothered.

i've been feeling a little blue lately. at first i couldn't figure it out mainly cos in my life i have gone through blue periods that i had nothing to be blue about. i don't really now. i have a house, a job, some money, two adorable kitty cats and my parents, friends and someone who loves me and whom i love back. but something is always amiss. maybe its the love that i give and is given to that makes me saddened. this love i think will never go beyond what we have now. i want so much more. i suppose the rainy-ish weather is to blame as well. who knows actually.

online classes start in a week. i'm psyched about it so that it'll keep me busy for a while. i feel so alone sometimes. like i could be sitting next to someone and feel like an island in the middle of the ocean surrounded by nothing but blue. blue ocean, blue sky. inside i feel so alone.

"nobody knows me. god knows they try" 'medicated magdalene' michelle malone

letters.

so here are two things that i have acquired as of recent:

a stationary basket and a fountain pen box. all in the Victorian style.

so here is a dilemna, who is it that i shall write to?? i suddenly realized that i have no real keeper of my thoughts (besides myself). i did but i think that my membership has lapsed and she has a busy life anyhow. but is that a real excuse for not contacting one's friends? perhaps it is maybe that my life is too lax. i have somewhat an incredible amount of time to putter around writing people. but it is a waste of stamps when people don't write back. sorry to gripe. this knowing makes me sad. i am back to me once again.

films, part 2.

i saw two more films.

1. Wedding Crashers: lewd and funny. very funny.

2. Imagine You & Me: what can i say about this movie that i didn't love. it was sweet lesbian movie where in this case the girl did ditch her husband for the girl. now when does that ever happen.

it was a sweet romance that followed the typical lesbian romance recipe: str8 girl sees gay girl, str8 girl has infatuated crush on gay girl, gay girl falls for str8 girl, str8 girl tries to deal with feelings for gay girl, str8 girl tells husband about feelings for gay girl, husband leaves str8 girl and str8 girl begins love with gay girl. and somewhere in the middle they kiss and make out. everyone should see this if you are of the GLBT persuasion.

films.

blue train- john coltrane

films i've watched in the last two days:

1. Rent: it was ok though 45 min into it i got bored and found out that i am not so much into the musical/movie genre, i.e. Chicago.

2. Hustle & Flow: it was good, i think the media hyped it up to be a much better movie than it was. good music though

3. Prime: a cute and funny romantic comedy. i liked it.

4. Two for the Money: a good movie, basically what it boils down to is that one shouldn't try to be someone they are not.

5. Walk the Line: if you don't like country music, you will after seeing this. it's a great movie with great performances and storyline.

6. Lord of War: who knew arms dealing was so crazy and hardcore and a bullshitting kind of job!

more.

my wish is tobe able to write like the tori amos, sylvia plath, leslea newman, david sedaris and jim carroll. to be able to reach down deep inside to a place that hurts and bleeds and becomes crushingly happy and painstakingly in love. to give the whole truth and nothing else. to live by it and just write out your heart and soul. to give myself, all of myself until there is nothing left and then wring myself out to squeeze out every last drop like a lemon. bitter and sweet and sour. and then after i am all squeezed, i still come out writing more and more. there will always be more. but i don't really need to write like anyone else but myself.

books.

xm 90's alternative

so here is a debate i heard when watching CNN tonight:
Q: if a man and a woman make a baby through unprotected sex, should the man be able to decide if he wants or doesn't want to support a child?
A: (my answer) i think if you are willing to have sex with a woman, unprotected, then you should have to own up to the consequences that follow. this is a clear consequence of that situation and the result of a man's unmanliness to own up to his mistakes and effects.

ok thats my little political thing. other than that, everything here is ok. work has again resumed at a sloooooooow pace. i'm bored to death of my everyday routine. but all will change as it always does. i have nothing to really share so i will go. aloha!

the first day back.

[bring me to life]: evanescence

it was a very weird day. i felt like i had to constantly watch my back. make sure i made no mistakes. i still feel hurt and backstabbed and fucked over. i'm extremely sad and thinking those thoughts again. whats the point of all this, if the same results happen in every diff situation??i just don't get it.

worse to good.

[wash my hands]: meredith brooks

so here are some fun updates: the day after i did get my kick-ass planner from the library. after 6 days or so of sitting around and looking for work, my "job" called me this morning and said that i had my job back. and i start tomorrow. i am happy but a bit hurt and saddenned. this week was a HARDCORE rollercoaster ride.

but i'm ok now. i think i did lose weight with the worrying, stress and depression that hit me all at once. the ride is over and i'm getting off!

bad to worse.

i had a HORRENDOUS day today. all was ok until i was about to leave to go home and then i got written up and suspended on some stupid and untrue accusations. they are not true. but i am suspended until further notice. so i'm mad, sad and feel like sh*t. only to make matters worse, i just saw that i had dropped my dayplanner in the library slot after the write up incident. i guess i was so POed that i dropped EVERYTHING into the slot. which at the time i was wondering why my backpack was extremely light. but i wanted to go home. so i'm worried cos my LIFE is in that. my addresses and the such. i hope its there. so that means i have to go there tomorrow to pick up my stuff. can anything else bad happen??