dream on.

i'm getting closer and closer to realizing my want. but also closer to hurting someone that needs me but not necessarily wants me. i feel bad for hurting someone, i don't like hurting people but i have to do this or else i'll be stuck in this hell of an island. i hate it here and loathe that i have to work where i do. i need some wide open spaces. i liked the feel of the crisp cold air against my face. its cold but a great change from 80* everyday. someone has to get hurt no matter how i cushion it with words.

and we also went to a Native American Museum/ Cultural Center in Pendleton, Ore today. it was so beautiful and sad. visit it here: http://www.umatilla.nsn.us/ they are the Umatilla, Walla Walla and Cayuse tribes that live on the reservation.

1893.

this week in WA has been quite magical. my dad and i did a lot of driving around the countryside with rolling hills in cold 40* weather. the light and dark landscapes were like a painting with the sun shining through the clouds. i saw many a farm, some small with horses and some big with horses and cows, bulls, etc. i also so some deers, wild turkeys, plenty of dogs, chickens and cranes. it was so nice to get back to nature. i saw the Columbia and Snake Rivers winding through the coutryside. i visited two colleges, saw 2 bookstores, was driven for hours, ate 3 square meals a day with almost no caffeine and felt slightly sluggish, walked atop the Whitman Mission Memorial and had a fantastic view of the snow-capped mountains and rolling hills.

then it happened. my parents saw a small farm house they want to buy that dates from 1893, original house, and i fell in love with WA state. i believe that 2006 is my year!

freeway by linda perry

Can you see me
In the garden
Watering flowers all night long

Taking care of what you neglected
And I do it with a happy song

Can you feel your guardian angel
Guiding you so patiently
And you wonder if you're in heaven
‘cause you move so gracefully

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we ride, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion
To be free
Of everything

With my friends, sitting around drinking
Talking about how life is much too long
How some days everything's just so right
And the next day everything just seems so wrong

Laughing while complaining
But having a good time
it didn't really matter

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

At two O'Clock in the morning
The lights go on
It's time for us to go

And the last thing I can remember,
Was an angel guiding us right through the door
Yeah, Yeah

Laughing while complaining
But having a good time
it didn't really matter
it really doesn't matter

Welcome tomorrow
Where we flow us gently

Didn't we knowDidn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we ride, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion

Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
The time to seems to stop
Outside our window

And we run down the freeway
Didn't we know
Didn't we feel it
How time it seems to stop
Outside our window

And we run, down the freeway
Hoping to express our religion
To be free, Of everything
Of everything, Yeah

ordinary people by john legend

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehave
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go(hey)
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
(Heyyy) We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow take it sloww take it slow this time we'll take it slow take

leaving on a jet plane.

today is the day that i start my vaca. i'm excited with butterflies in my tummy and am all packed and all i have to do is shower and dress and head out the door. last night was an amazing night....i felt so disconnected for so long and it was just nice. not to say that the same old problems don't exist. they are still there. but it was a great way to start my vacation. it'll be a nice i'm-freezing-my-ass-off change. i will update from time to time while away. wish me luck on my trip!!

where do i begin.

i'm almost finished with my alice in chains cd compilation. next is black sabbath. now i can listen to some heavy music while i sort out my distressing life. boredom mixed with no passion. feel empty inside. i need to fill myself with sunlight and warmth. not this eternal winter of cold steel. i know that the best has been given. i can't ask for anymore than what i have. i can't give anymore that what i've given. i'm completely empty and bone dry. so how do i pick up the pieces to move? i think i will check out therapy. it really couldn't hurt. maybe it'll revive the girl inside of me, of who i used to be. maybe i'll come out of this. or maybe i'm too damaged to fix. all of these maybe babies. i know that this vacation that starts in about 4 days will do me a world of good. i just have to focus on that while i work for the next three days at my horrid job. wish me luck.